Minsan, mahirap pag napapaisip

Nung isang linggo lang excited na ako maggraduate. Apat na taon ko ring hinintay ang pagkakataong iyon. Well, actually, more like 19 years. Isipin mo naman, mag-3 palang ako nagumpisa na akong mag-aral. Almost 22 na ako ngayon. Ang ibang bata mga 14-16 years lang ang aral. Ako 19. Sino ba naman ang hindi magsasawa. Hehe. 

So ayun nga, nung isang linggo, nung isang buwan, basta nung patapos na ang klase, hindi ako makapaghintay magtapos. May halo ring kaba ang paghihintay siyempre alam kong magbabago na ang lahat pero mas sumaibabaw ang excitement. Feeling ko para bang kayang kaya ko ang lahat. Sinasabihan nga ako ng mga kaibigan ko na ang dami dami ko raw pangarap. Well, totoo naman. Nakakatawang mga pangarap nga eh. Parang hindi seryoso pero seryoso akong gusto ko ang mga iyon. Kasi kung ganun ang maging trabaho ko, eh di matutupad ang iba ko pang mga pangarap (like meet WWE superstars in person and up close). Hit two birds with one stone diba? At sino ba ang ayaw maging masaya sa trabaho nila? Isipin mo ba naman, more or less iyan na ang gagawin mo habangbuhay. Para kang ikinasal. Unless you take a sabbatical, which is sort of a "cool off" period. Or quitting to change careers, parang legal separation. When you get fired, parang divorce dahil may separation pay which is kinda like alimony. 

Ano na bang sinasabi ko?

Ah. Ayun. Ang fresh grad high. Nagtapos sa pinakamagandang unibersidad sa bansa (no offense to people who have different loyalties). Para bang lahat ng maisip mo malamang makakaya mo, matatanggap ka sa kahit anong trabaho. Pangalan palang ng pinaggraduatan mo ok na. Di naman bagsakin. Above average naman ang grades, may konting extracurriculars, konting work experience at inattendan na seminars here and there. Parang OK na noh? Ang ganda na ng feeling ko kelan lang. Never ako naging 100% confident sa sarili ko. Yung feeling of confidence na naramdaman ko nun, it was around 97% which is a lot for me. Parang madali lang lahat. I didn't feel panicky even though I know that I graduated at the unfortunate time of economic crisis. Ewan. Parang madali lang kasi eh. Parang kaya ko gawin kahit ano.

Tapos nung isang araw, as usual naglalaro ako ng ___ Wars (punan nalang ang patlang ng Vampire, Mafia, o Mob), napuntahan ko ang home page ko. Napansin ko na may ilang taong nag-add sa akin. Eh di add rin. Then I noticed na yung isa sa kanila ay naggraduate sa MIT! Ampucha! Angas eh. On the one hand I'm proud na merong Judenite na nakapagtapos doon. Grabe, as in hindi basta basta yun. On the other hand, parang lahat ng naramdaman kong confidence sa pinagtapusan ko ay naglaho. Para bang ang liit liit ko. Hindi naman kasi internationally recognized ang Ateneo. Siguro sa iilang mga bansa lang but not really where it matters (to me, at least). I love my school so much pero parang nasampal ako sa katotohanan na kahit gaano kaganda at kagaling ito, nasa Pilipinas pa rin lang ito, at ang prestige at honor ng pagtatapos dito ay marerecognize sa Pilipinas lang at hindi na sa ibang bansa. Siguro iisipin ng ilang mambabasa kung bakit ko inaalala ang iisipin ng ibang bansa. Bakit, magtatrabaho ba ako abroad? Malay mo, malay ko rin. I don't want to confine myself in only looking for a job in this country, pero ang gusto ko talaga magumpisa dito. Pero kung iisipin mo, sa paghahanap ng trabaho, sino ba ang mas papaboran lalo na ng mga tao ditong hinding hindi na mawawalan ng colonial mentality (and this whole rant stems from the same thing: I too have colonial mentality. hindi ko alam ang pamamaraan ng pagtuturo at pagaaral sa mga Ivy League schools but there's a reason why they're that sought after and why they top the world's universities list)? Yung nagtapos sa prestigious school only recognized here or someone who graduated from a prestigious school recognized everywhere?

Ewan ko ba kung bakit ako nabibitter at nagpapalulong sa self-pity/loathing. Isa sa pilosopiya ko kasi sa buhay ay hindi naman sa grades mababase ang buong buhay mo. Nasa diskarte lang iyan. Alam kong it sounds like an excuse ng mga tamad, pero proven na iyan. Hindi lahat ng great people nagtapos sa magagandang paaralan o nagtapos ng may honors or nagtapos at all. Sipag at tiyaga at determinasyon at diskarte lang. Siyempre with God's help diba. Pero parang ngayon, alam kong I did things right naman. Not perfect but good enough. Excellently mediocre nga daw. I mean, I know technically I'm good enough. Pero parang wala. Nung kelan ang inaalala ko eh kung saan ako maguumpisa sa dami kong gustong gawin. Ngayon ang umuulit ulit lang sa utak ko ay pag-uwi kong galing Taiwan, wala na akong pera. Wala akong trabaho. At the same time ayoko munang magtrabaho dahil I don't want to fall into something long term again. I don't wanna be stuck in anything again. Gusto ko pang magrelax ng ilang buwan, kahit buong summer lang. But I can't keep asking money from my parents and this little business thingy we're planning isn't going anywhere anytime soon. Saan ako kukuha ng panggastos? Yan ang problema.

Hay.

Pero kung tatanungin ako basta gusto ko pumasok sa PR ng hotel, specifically sa Crowne Plaza dahil doon nagsstay ang halos lahat ng dumayo ditong celebs. Shems noh. I'll get to entertain them. I will love my work forever.

Ewan. Nakakatamad isipin. I'm going back to playing. I don't wanna grow up just yet. Sa June na.

BWISET!!!

Lintek naman kasi may nagcoconcert sa park sa tapat ng bahay namin! Nakakaasar talaga! Bakit ba hindi nalang sa barangay hall sila doon sa tapat ng Agora mall? At least doon commercial area eh ampucha naman residential area dito eh! Ang hirap hirap nanga intindihin ni Kant dagdagan ba naman ng dumadagundong na mga bass! Kailangan kong ulit-ulitin para lang makatagos sa utak ko yun mga sentence dahil sa ingay! Tapos eto pa si Kant eh ang haba haba ng mga sentences eh lintek kaya namang sabihin si iisa o dadalawang sentence ang ibig-sabihin. Pahirapan pa talaga eh! Hindi nanaman ako makakatulog, tapos kelangan ko pa gawan ng 1-page paper ito na kailangan kong paghusayan dahil C+ lang ako sa orals. Ano ba yan! Bakit ba! Tapos bukas I have about 5 things to do! Wala pa akong nachecheck sa list ko! Lintek naman ang ingay! Hindi ko naman mareklamo yan sa barangay diba eh kasi PARA SA MGA BARANGAY OFFICIALS ANG PARTY!!! Nakakabuwiset talaga! Dati ok naman dito tahimik naman ayan ginawang party place ang park!

Pero in fairness yun mga singers, ewan ko sinong bands pero basta anjan si Jimmy Bondoc, kuhang kuha yun mga kinocover nila na foreign songs. With You ngayon ni Chris Brown ang kinakanta. OK naman.

Speaking of Chris Brown, nabalitaan niyo na ba ang kaso niya? OMG talaga. WTH. Bakit niya nagawa yon, kung ginawa ba niya talaga iyon.

So ayun lang. Pipilitin ko nang makarating sa page 5. Grabe. 34 pages man, tapos ang font niya ay parang TNR 8. Lintek talaga. I will invest in soundproofing materials na rin.

Last Three Weeks

I've been feeling like I'm drowning in schoolwork since last week. Well, I'm actually one of the fortunate ones who felt that way only last week. There are people who have been struggling to stay afloat since the sem began. Heck, since the year began because of thesis. Ugh.

Anyway, I've written a 30-something-item task list last week. I've officially ticked off about 12 boxes so yey for me. The only problem is that for every box I check, two more get added. Argh. It's a bottomless task list.

Okay, not really, since there are only three weeks left in the seniors' school year. Each of the days in those three weeks are jam-packed with requirements though so it feels more like years rather than weeks. I want all the requirements to end. I just want to get things over with. But at the same time, while I was having one of my precious "staring blankly at empty space" breaks, I realized that this time, when the schoolwork ends... It really is the end of it. I mean, further education is more of a luxury than a necessity still, just a little bit, so unless I do that right away, the end of Feb is really the end of schoolwork for me.

It scares me. It really scares me. After this, I actually have to do something with my life. I actually have to do something. I was envisioning a summer-long bumming around period but the fact that I applied for an internship position that I'm perfect for and had the right credentials for and haven't received a reply until now (sent the email 3 weeks ago) just made me uneasy. I mean, I know I am the person for that job. And it's an unpaid internship. It's not like I'm doing it for the money. The only thing they'll be spending on me is space and a little time and effort. Not getting accepted to a job I'm sure I can do made me think about what would happen if I apply for something I'm not that confident about?

I'm really effing annoyed. Really. Really really really. Maybe I should snail mail my application too in case the contact person doesn't really check her inbox. Or maybe my application got sent to junk mail. Seriously. This is the second time I applied for an internship in that company. I don't know if I'm just such a loser or if getting in there requires some inside connection because the ones I knew who got an internship position there knew someone from inside.

I'll call them in March.

I have to get back to Kant now.

Guilty...

I'm feeling guilty. Awhile ago, as I was waiting for the car to pick me up, I went and hung out at National Bookstore. I didn't want to hang out at Starbucks anymore since I'm trying to cut down on sweets and whatever I can ingest, basically (things are starting to get a little snug). So there. I can't eat books. I thought, okay, I can just sit in a corner and read the articles we're going to have a quiz on tomorrow. Then when I get home I can go do my other homework.

But then I saw the sale racks and went to check them out. I've looked through those before but nothing really interested me. Then I saw Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason for only 75php! That's like, even cheaper than in Books For Less or in Booksale. The really cheap books there are either yellowing already or have little tears and stuff. But these ones are in great shape. So I looked around more and found a copy of The Jane Austen Book Club. So I got that, and... 6 other books, including the novelization of the comic book miniseries 52.

It all totaled up to 485php. Wonderful! A standard paperback costs an average of 300php and these 8 books only costs 485! I used my card (which dad pays for) so I'm already guilty about that. It's only the start of February and my total swipage has already gone over... 4k, I think. Wow. Oops. But hey, around 1,300 is for gas which the whole family uses so that's not exactly a wholly personal buy. So I'm counting that out. So I've spent about 3k on myself in a week... What have I been buying?!

Food
Toiletries
A pair of shoes
Books

Yeah. That's about it. Haven't even gone clothes shopping yet. Argh. So now I have to hold off swiping for 3 weeks!!!

So anyway, I was already feeling guilty about that when the car arrived. My driver had on an AM station broadcasting the news. It was all about lay-offs and people not able to get jobs and price hikes and crying...

Ugh.

I bought 8 books just because I was bored and all around people are scrounging up every cent they could find because they don't have food or their mom's sick or something. And those books are probably gonna rot first in my Unread Books cabinet before I'd be able to read them.

Man, I feel terrible. And there isn't exactly a money-back policy in NBS.

Veggie Zombie

I feel like a zombie.

Maybe I've already turned into one.

For speech, I now only am capable of grunts and moans. My head feels like it's steadily building up to an implosion. My lips and mouth feel dry all the time. My eyes are blurry, my movements stiff and slow.

I'm just waiting for my flesh to rot and everything will be set.

However, I haven't the urge to sink my teeth into human visitors to my room yet, so there's still that stage to tackle.

Or maybe I'm a veggie zombie. If there are "veggie" vampires like Edward, then I might as well be a veggie zombie.

Maybe I'll go attack a vegetable patch later.

Sipon

The hurting in my throat has subsided, but now all the phlegm have turned into SIPON. Goodness. I have a huge head cold now. My eyes are starting to water and balled up tissue now litter the base of my monitor. I hope this goes away soon.

Wow, credits are rolling again. That's officially the third time I watched Men In Black this Christmas break. If they show Transformers again, I'd watch that too, and that'd be, what, the fourth time this break? And also Spiderman 3.

I haven't even done the compulsory movie marathons of breaks. There are a lot of trilogies and movie series to marathon. What I wanted to do was the usual LOTR and Harry Potter (the latter would literally take all day. 2.5 hours x 5 movies plus food and bathroom and nap breaks), but I could also do X-Men and Spiderman and the old Superman movies. What else do we have anyway?

Pfft. Okay. I have two more days. I'm going back to reading through my watery eyes now.

Lifehouse... Lifehouse...

My 21st birthday is less than a week away. I can't believe I'm turning 21. I can't believed it's sandwiched between two awesome concerts: Lifehouse's and Daughtry's. I also can't believe how unbelievably non-excited I am.

I'm not gonna go into details here because I don't wanna spread depression all over the lives of the one or two people who actually read this. But there's been some stuff going on and...yeah let's just say they're very distracting and have unbelievably bad timing. Then I just learned that we have a trillion things to do as seniors. First off, I'm not sure if our thesis proposal has been approved. I really really hope it has, or else we'll waste another week or two rewriting and resubmitting and re-waiting for the results. Other groups are currently very busy doing theirs. I don't know what they're doing though. We didn't have thesis consultations for two weeks now so I have no idea what we're supposed to do next. I so think that we're gonna cram. Again. Second, as I mentioned, my friend just told me that we were supposed to attend a minimum of 4 career talks or else we get a hold order (I'm not really sure what it is, but it's just a really huge pain in the butt--can't get test permits or get grades and stuff). I wasn't able to attend the first two and I can't attend the one tomorrow because I've got doctor's appointment. So I missed marketing and entrepreneurship talks, which are the best ones. All that's left are BPO, arts & fashion, IT & Telecom, and services. I mean, what are those?! What the hell is BPO? I'd love to go to the arts & fashion though. Third, well, there's the general suckiness of schoolwork. Group works, reports, midterms in two weeks, org stuff, yearbook photos...

Sigh.

I just... I don't know anymore. I feel like there's just too much going on and so many things to do. But sometimes I feel like I'm not even doing anything! Which is the case most of the time. But still. I don't know. I'm just overwhelmed with everything. I don't know why.

Anyway, I'm in a YM conference right now and I have no idea what to contribute to the discussion. I just keep asking stupid questions. Stupid stupid questions. I hope they don't kill me for it. I'll try to contribute something. Maybe later this week. Lol.

So I'm downloading Lifehouse's latest album to cheer myself up. I'd really love to buy the actual CD though. I want a complete Lifehouse collection. Lol. Hanging by a Moment is the best song ever. I would cry when they perform that. I know I will. I've always wondered about the people who cry during concerts. I get really excited, yeah, but not to the point of tears. But I just know that that song will send me weeping. Better brings some tissue.

Feeling Sick

I'm not feeling very well right now. Fever hasn't really come on yet, but my throat has been scratchy since last night so that usually means that I'm getting toncilitis again. The weather isn't helping too. There can be mornings that are extremely hot and then it will rain hard during the afternoon. There are times when it's just gonna rain on and off all day like awhile ago. I really can't predict the weather, and most of the time I forget to bring an umbrella so I end up having to walk in the rain to get to my next class.

My head's starting to hurt a little bit now. Great. And I have 8 chapters to memorize tomorrow for my long test in History on Wednesday.

Wait a minute, it already is tomorrow.

Argh. I gotta go to sleep. But I've just woken up from a long nap about three hours ago so right now I'm not ready for bed yet. I hope I do feel better in a few hours because besides the gazzilion pages of readings I have to go through, I also have to draw about a dozen scenes for a short video for my school org. And I have to photoshop things. And I have to finish the script for the video. And I have to make a powerpoint presentation for the general assembly.

I have no idea how I'm gonna do all that in a day while I am sick.

However, I found something that made me feel a little bit better.

As mentioned in my previous post, I'm in a Jeff Hardy phase. Still am. I actually tuned out during Philosophy awhile ago (which is something I rarely ever do because the lessons are hard to follow) because of him. Just daydreaming, you know. Girl stuff.

Look for him for my annual year-end 10 hottest guys list. :) Randy Orton may get bumped off the top spot this year.

Anyway, I found this pic of Jeff. As the original poster of this pic in a forum said, he is "insanely adorable".

He really is.




















I never noticed that he has dimples before. Oh man. *melts*

I can't wait 'til Friday when I get to see him again in Smackdown.

I have no life.

So... This Is Sembreak

The only light in my room right now is from this laptop.

No, I'm not being emo. Lol. It's just weird having nothing to do. I cleaned my room yesterday and got about a foot tall of scratch paper (readings from past sems and stuff... judging from the tall pile beside my bed, I think I've spend about 1000 pesos in overall photocopying.) My dear ol' nanny said that I still have a couple drawers full of trash to go through. Ah, yes. That's my job during holidays.

So right now I'm making playlists of Christmas songs for my parents. My mom just wanna have a Christmasy feeling in the house I guess. It's just an innate quality of Christmas songs, making people happy. Although there's still a couple months to go, I've been listening to carols for days. It makes me happy.

My dad wants a CD to listen to while driving. It's adorable and kinda sad when he said, "Gawan mo na ako ng CD para mapakinggan ko sa kotse, kasi kung hindi, wala na next year nanaman."

I was like, yeah... Better we start celebrating early 'coz in December, they'll be busy with the ham-making (yes, we make Christmas ham so if anybody is interested... message me!) and I'd be busy having long tests and school stuff. Before we know it, it's Christmas eve and we'd only have a day to actually listen to these songs... And then Christmas Day would pass by just like that, and we'd have to wait another year...

Every year for about six or seven years now, I've been wishing for a really wonderful Christmas, like the ones I had when I was younger. I don't know why Christmas just started getting dreary some time when I hit high school. Is it because I'm a grown up now? (I can't believe I just admitted that. I'm effing 20, officially a grown up. Well, okay, not yet. But next year I will be.) Is Christmas really for kids only? Or is it because when I was younger, I knew what Christmas is all about and now I've forgotten about it?

Maybe it's because we held the party here in our home before, and we'd have games and stuff. The house would be bursting to the rim with people, employees and relatives alike, all with smiles on their faces. The buzz was just wonderful. And of course, I still had my lolo back then. He was really patient with me even though I'd drag him around the house so we can play with building blocks and stuff.

Lately, what has been my Christmas routine? Okay, so in high school, I'd be back from softball games just in time for the company party which was held in some restaurant. Or I'd be tired from writing all that siao khai and ta khai. No, I don't participate in games anymore because my cousins weren't there anymore to look like a fool with me. When I was little, my cousins were pretty much the same age as I am. We would join all the games and fight over prizes and stuff. It was loads of fun. Now there's a new generation of kids. I don't even know them. I can't join in any "contests" because...well, they're for employees right? And I don't know any of them. The ones I knew are now all gone. My cousins don't attend the parties anymore. So basically during company parties I just attend to make an "appearance" and just eat and drink. That's all. There were many times when I just wanted to hang out in one of my friend's place that night. It would've been much more fun.

Sixteen, seventeen years ago, I'd help my mom shop and wrap up gifts and I'd go downstairs and put them under the tree and be all happy 'coz I felt like I were Santa. Christmas eve, I'd be hanging in my parents' room watching cartoons and every Christmas special I can find. Then I'd be called to take a bath so I could dress up for the party later. Today... Well, what do I do? Can't even remember what I did last year. Oh yeah, I burnt my hand baking cakes for the people in Sta. Cruz and I didn't even get as much as a casual "Thanks". They just...left it there. I don't even know if anybody ate even a sliver. It was my best cake recipe" White Chocolate cake. Even my brother, who is my biggest critic when it comes to cooking, said that I did something right when I made my first white chocolate cake.

Well this time I found a sugar-free cookie recipe. I haven't tested it yet. Maybe I will tomorrow. But heck, if that's what they want, cardboard tasting things. Then that's what I'll make.

Anyway, I don't know. I guess I'll just stop wishing for a happy Christmas. I don't think I can remake what I had before. Maybe it is a law of nature that as one grow older, the less one enjoys Christmas. Well, unless one has a "special someone" to spend it with. Then that individual would be all set until February. Agh. No. I'm not gonna complain about my permanent status again.

I'm just gonna complain about the abysmal download speed of this laptop. Goodness! I've been downloading the latest episode of heroes for almost two hours now! TRhat should be done by now. Grr!

And so now I gotta go to the hospital with my mom. She's having a check up, I guess.

Whoop-dee-doo.

I can't even find the USB that connects my mp3 player to the computer so I can't put in my Christmas songs. How sucky is that? I want an ipod! Only two months' worth of salary and allowance to go...

Shemay!!!!

Ok, after like, what, a month of not checking this blog out, I completely forgot about my chatterbox. Now it's been deleted. Argh! I hate myself. I wanted to keep it going for a long time, and maybe be able to look back at the stupid things I said on it.

ARFGHG!!!!!! &%&^$(&)*(!@%#_)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I wanna stop thinking about that now. This week is stressful as it is. I'm just gonna install a new one.

Ugh. I hate myself!!!!

Anyway, I've got a vat of choco sundae... Nevmind the fat. I just wanna get this week over with!

Comres and Philo, here I come!!!

P.S. I've so much to tell... Oh well. Sembreak = 4 weeks away

Sigh...

I don't know. I'm feeling gloomy today. Hay. I am happy that it's finally the weekend. I have a couple of days to recuperate from endless sleepless nights. Although there's still Philo orals and long test to go.

I'm also gonna have a small party with my friends. Belated celebration of my birthday. I miss them a lot and it's great that we're finally gonna see each other again.

So why do I feel so weird?

I don't know. It's one of those days, I guess. Hay. I don't know. I should be happy. Happy happy happy. I was happy awhile ago. Where did happiness go?

I've had the song Scars by Papa Roach all day in my head. I'm feeling kind of...just like that. Like mad and depressed. Whatever. Mad at myself. Mad at the world. Mad for feeling like this when I'm supposed to be ok.

"My weakness is that I care too much."

I guess right now the angst has gone and only a feeling of helplessness is left. Gentle hopelessness. And I want it to stop. I'd rather be angry. At least anger can be let out. But feeling like there's nothing I can do just eats me up.

Alone again tonight
Without someone to love
The stars are shining bright
So one more wish goes up

I wish I may
And I wish I with all my might
For the love I'm dreaming of
And missing in my life

You'd think that I could find
A true love of my own
It happens all the time
To people that I know

Their wishes all come true
So I've got to believe
There's still someone out there who
Is meant for only me

I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star
It seems like someone else keeps getting what I'm wishing for
Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are
I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star

I sit here in the dark
And stare up at the sky
But I can't give my heart
One good reason why

Everywhere I look
It's lovers that I see
Seems like everyone's in love
With everyone but me

Why can't I be as lucky
As those other people are
Oh I guess I must be wishing
On someone else's star


:(

I'm Torn.

All WWE fans would know that Vince McMahon's "death by limo explosion" is a humongous hoax. It's a very obvious scam to boost the TV points of WWE's shows. Nonetheless, I was at first a bit stunned when my dad told me that Mr. McMahon exploded. I was like, "What?!?!" That's impossible. Did all his bullcrap catch up to him at last and brought him down? I haven't been up to date with the shows, so I checked WWE.com. There it was, the picture of the exploding limo. I still wasn't convinced, so I downloaded that episode of Monday Night Raw. I was right. It was staged.

When my brother rapped his knuckles on my bathroom door awhile ago and told me excitedly that he's got news, I wasn't that interested so I blurted out what came to mind automatically. I asked, "So who died?" He paused, and asked, "So you already know?" And I was like, whoa. Someone really died? I racked my brain for someone who could be dead now. I was thinking that maybe Mr. McMahon really did die or something.

He told me while we were having dinner. I seriously didn't believe it at first because my brother is known to invent things up so I learned to take whatever news he has with a grain of salt. Right after eating, I went up to my room to search for the news. I saw the status message of a friend of mine whom I know watches WWE. It said, "Rest in Peace Benoit" or something like that. I knew right then that it was true.

It's on the WWE homepage now. There's a tribute to him. Here's also an article which explains the police findings and stuff.

It said that Chris Benoit murdered his wife and son and then committed suicide himself. He didn't even make it to a wrestling thing last Saturday and to Vengeance. Some friends of him recieved weird text messages Sunday morning from Chris too so they alerted the police, asked them to kind of check on the Benoit residence. They found him and his family dead.

I'm really really really sad. For me, it's such a great loss to WWE because Chris Benoit is such an amazing wrestler. A lot of people commented on a news article about Chris not being worthy of a tribute since he is said to have done those murders. I do understand their point. If it were any other person that I read about, I'd be like, to hell with him. Why do you cry over him when he's done what he's done? But I've admired Chris for a long time now. And he seemed to be such a nice guy. I mean, he was great friends with Eddie Guerrero. WWE superstars seem to like him a lot, regardless of whatever ploy or storyline the company makes him do. But as a fan, I know I'll never know. I don't know him personally. He may have had some serious problems. As a professional, he didn't bring personal problems to work. I wish he'd sought help or something.

I fully understand people who diss him for what he has supposedly did. But me, I'm going to wait until the investigation ends. I wanna learn all the facts. I really want to know is what drove him to do what he did. I don't think anybody in their right mind would do something like that. I think Chris got really scared. Scared of something. But what? Someone else suggested that it was a side effect of steroids. I don't know. Unless they release the cause of death, we can't draw conclusions. I just wish, if he really did commit suicide, that he had some sort of note or something. I can't believe the authorities aren't looking for suspects. For all we know, he could have been framed. I mean, it could happen, right? Some may look at this as me confusing fiction with reality, but hey, if CSI writers could come up with the weirdest stuff, it could happen in real life. After all, TV is a kind of mirror of real life right? I really wish Chris turns out to be innocent. But that wouldn't be fair to his wife's and his little boy's memories, if he really did it.

Hay. People can really surprise you sometimes, even at the last moment.

Rest in Peace, Benoit family.

Monda y Again in a Minute!

I don't wanna go back to school... I wanna kick myself in the ass for taking summer classes. It's just sheer torture. I could be just lounging about right now, watching nothing on TV, or playing endless video games with my brother without worrying that I have 54 more pages of a novel I'm having a hard time understanding to finish reading. And I have about... 10 and a half hours left to do it.

I can make that deadline though. About ten pages per hour if I shut my TV off. Which I don't want to do because National Treasure is on Star Movies and it's one of my favorite movies. And I would be bored to death and eventually fall asleep without the barely audible sound of rushing cars and screaming guns (I turned the volume low 'coz someone else is sleeping here).

Maybe after a couple more weeks, I'd be happy with my classes. It's just that I had plans for this summer, like finishing my scrapbook (which I haven't even started on yet) and reading everything that's inside my Unread Books Cabinet. And of course, re-reading all the Potter books before the last one is released. And have marathons of Friends and Charmed. Also, I planned on researching about the Knights Templar and other stuff.

I just can't do all that anymore because of the mountains of readings piled up on me. And a book report due in 5 weeks. And I haven't picked out a book yet! I hate this. It isn't relaxing at all. I'm feeling this apprehension again, the one I hate feeling during school days. It's like I'm a screw-up waiting to happen. I just know that I'm gonna fail somehow, and I'm really scared of what might happen.

I wanna enjoy, I wanna relax, I wanna sleep late and wake up late and worry only about which channel to watch or which movie to see. Now I've gotta worry what the heck Mrs. Dalloway is gonna do next! Argh! And understand how the freaking stock market works!

God help me, please!

So... It's April. The tragedy begins.

Yeah, it took me another month to muster up the energy to post again. That's how lazy I am. Well, it's summer, it's hot,and I've only got another week of pure vacation time, so I'm using that as an excuse.

Anyway, a lot has happened in the past month.

First thing, I survived the final hell week and the finals week. There were a couple casualties though, and one of them was very very dear to me.

Let's see...

So after that weird semi-poetic (would you call it that? nah. but it's my blog so...yeah.) post I did, I went on for two more weeks of sheer torture and great relief to stressful moments. First, we finished up our ad interviews and the plans for the finals. We made the atmospherics and everything. I still got paint on my butt. The presentation was good, we got a 90! AND!!! We got second place so we're gonna be on the next issue of ADOBO magazine! Yey!

What else...

S.A. was nightmarish because we didn't have enough stuff to fill the 15 pages minimum. We kinda winged it at the last day, around 3 hours before the deadline. Adrenaline sure does bring out the best in us. Or the sloppiest. Whatever.

Bea and I finished Spanish. The fiesta was better than I expected. We had a blockmate who sang and sounded so marvelous; I was stunned. I knew he could sing but I can't believe he could sing that well!

So the first casualty faded away right after our Spanish exam. It was my last finals, and I was in the mood for a mini celebration (because the S.A. paper was still unfinished) after I handed in my test paper to Señor Prado. But when I searched my bad for my cellphone... poof! It's gone. Again. FOR THE THIRD DANG TIME! Seriously, I felt so shi**y I wanted to kill people. But I had to move on. It's vacation.

So now I'm living off Sun Cellular. Never thought I'd appreciate it this much.

So there, a couple more days in school for some document signing and emergency reason-generating (WHY do I want to minor in Lit? Er... Hang on... *invents something up*) and total bum-days start! Saturday afternoon, Sunday and Monday were filled with nothing but sleep, food, TV (while my remote control still existed) and even more sleep. 'Twas fun.

Until the next day.

I was up Monday night doing nothing. Or was I watching movies? Whatever. All I remember was that I was chatting on YM with a friend until the wee hours of the morning. So as expected, I was on shut down mode until around noon.

I was awoken by I don't know what. I closed my eyes again. It's only like, 10Am. Too early to get up. My mom burst through my door, and I was prepared to feign sleep. Then she blurted out, "Namatay na si Dinggo kaninang madaling araw." (Translation: Dinggo (my dog) died at dawn.)

I was like, what the hell? Am I still dreaming? Then I remembered that he was sent to the vet because he'd been throwing up blood yesterday morning. Poor little baby. It was shocking. I was shocked. I was motionless for about an hour just digesting that information. I knew he was sick, but we kept on sending him back to the vet 'cause he has this hacking cough but the vet kept on saying that there was nothing wrong with him. Stupid idiot.

So I charged toward the vet, ready to yell at him 'til he dies. But I couldn't do it. It isn't in my nature to confront people. Well, I really planned on doing it. But there was someone else in the room, and it was his house (I mean, his house is beside the clinic so his family is there) so I really didn't want to make a fool of myself. And my mom warned me that I might get arrested. So. I shut up.

And seeing my dear doggie's carcass stiff, with his leg protruding from that sack - yes, a sack! Damn that vet to hell! - just shut me up. I don't cry in public, I really don't. I didn't even cry on my grandparents' funeral. But that time, I really felt the tears welling up. I stopped them before they spilled over.

If only it wasn't a crime, I would've stuck that loser of a vet into that sack and kicked him 'til he drowned in his own pool of blood.

So there. Tragic weeks.

Well, it was the Holy Week. The last four days of the week was pretty fun and relaxing and oh so full of shrimp. I don't think they knew any other seafood. Shrimp shrimp and more shrimp. Different kinds of shrimp dishes. Bubba from Forrest Gump would've been proud of us.

As the last dregs of my vacation gets siphoned off to the sunset (or sunrise, whatever), well, okay. I don't know what to say. Ha ha. I just want to do major bumming around. It's my last summer vacation! Next year, I'd have to work. The year after that, I'd have to look for a real job! Sigh. This is the last one.

I don't wanna grow up yet!!!!!!!!!!!

Except maybe to marry Randy Orton. Did I mention that he's so awfully HOT??? Yeah... He was in my dreams last night... Don't worry, it's PG-13.

What am I supposed to do?

Have you ever woken up one morning and just didn't know what to do? All you want is to crawl back under the covers and wish the world would go away. Hope it'll come back when you're ready.

I haven't had the best Christmas, and I felt like I didn't have enough rest. Now, in a few minutes (I'm actually running late already, but whatever) I'd be back in school. I really don't wanna go back, but there's no other choice. There's nothing else to do.

When I woke up awhile ago, I was jsut...lost. I was just so scared. Scared of the three months of torture that lie ahead. If the first month was already like that, what more the succeeding ones? How would I survive? I just know that I'm gonna screw up somehow. I just... I don't know anymore. I don't wanna wake up. I just wanna fall back to sleep and when I wake up again, I hope everything would be fine.

I'm just so so scared.

Happy Halloween Everyone!!!

Hey, at last! The day I've been waiting for has come!

It's a HUGE let down though. Trick or treating isn't really practiced in this country, which sucks a lot. Only residents of elite villages do that because:

1.) It's safe to go house to house there due to tight security - they're millionaires for goodness' sake, they need that much security

2.) They have the money to buy lotsa candies and make costumes and decorations.

Living in a third world country sucks, and not celebrating Halloween is one of the biggest reasons for me. We celebrate November 1st more, All Saints Day. It's when we visit our dead in the cemeteries. I'm not really sure if other countries celebrate All Saints Day as much as we Filipinos do.

Of course, there's an up side. Tv shows doing specials on supernatural/paranormal stuff and all. But they're not that good. I don't know, things were a lot scarier when I was younger. There aren't much specials nowadays. It's like they've ran out of ghost stories to tell. I miss the Magandang Gabi Bayan days when Noli de Castro (presently our Vice Pesident) is the host and he stands there with a foggy cemetery as a background as he tells these true-to-life encounters of people with the paranormal. Although the reenactments were so obviously fake (the ghosts and stuff), it still has this impact on me. Now it's gone, and no other shows can take its place (I've watched every show doing a Halloween special. They all suck. One came close, but still not close enough.)

All they're showing right now are the usual local soaps and reality shows. I couldn't care less about what's happening with Pinoy Dream Academy and whatever else they're showing. I hate it. That's why I downloaded lots of scary movies. At least they'll squeeze out a scream or two from me.

Anyway, Saw is on Star Movies now. And Cinema One is showing Filipino horror movies (some are actually funny!)

Later!

P.S. I'm glad the moon's half full now. :) Am expecting to see Harry flying over it tonight. :)

Banzai!!!

It's on right now. Anybody who watches Jack TV would have watched it at least once. It's about these Japanese guy/s betting on really mundane things. For example, they placed two guys on two different escalators. They're making them race; the one who gets to the top first wins. Another example is they get this Japanese girl to ask a celebrity only one question (it's usually on the red carpet) and see how long that celebrity would answer that single question. Awhile ago, the celebrity just stared and stared at the Japanese girl after he finished saying his answer and it lasted for 94 seconds. Before the gag, they flash these three choices: a. 0-30 seconds, b. 30-60 seconds, c. 60 and above seconds. So those people who chose the last choice wins!

Yeah, I know it's really stupid, but I am too, so I love it! Hahaha! Well, okay, not actually love it. I used to find it really annoying and was quite irritated by the show's pointlessness, but I sat through one episode and actually got entertained. So yeah, it made me laugh, and now I watch it whenever I catch it showing.

Laughter is good for the heart, after all.

On a more depressed note, my computer got busted again. And it's a serious bust. My brother said it's something about the motherboard...so it's serious business. ARGH!!!! I hate it! It was working fine the day before, and then it suddenly decided to die on me and never reboot again. I didn't do anything to it. It just suddenly shut down. As much as I love my computer, it pisses me off often because it chooses to go bye bye on me at times like these, when I need it most because there's a bunch of things to do.

My downloads!!!!! I've only started downloading again and now it gets busted.

Hmm... but I've got an idea...

Okay, Supernatural is on, and I've got a ton of homework.

Somewhere between Sensorimotor and Pre-operational

Hay. I just got home from school about an hour ago...and I'm undeniably beat. Haven't slept yet, so I'm now working on mere sugar rushes...(ice cream! ice cream!)

We just saw a fantastic play (which I'll try to process later. right now, all I can say is, Mr. de Guzman rocks!!!!!).

But...this is one of the times that I wonder about my existence (naks, okay, I'm in identity vs. identity confusion of Erikson). Well, I...most of the time, I feel like I'm the stupidest person in thte world. I think that I'm incapable of higher cognitive abilities. I feel that I'm stuck in this stage forever, that I'd forever talk about trivial stuff and be satisfied with that. I mean, yeah, I like talking about whatever. I'm really talkative. But I don't think I have substance, you know? I think that people perceive me as some kind of an airhead who just talks a lot.

First of all, I have no interest in politics whatsoever, except if there's some kind of scandal (oooh, I just realized, natatamaan ako ng play!!! argh!), like Erap's impeachment. That makes me tune in to the news (yes, I am entertaining myself to stupidity...). It's like I'm caught up in this huge meme and I don't want to escape.

I AM DOOMED TO BE AN IDIOT FOREVER.

For example, this weblog. It should be deleted. Seriously. Whoever reads a post will drop 10 IQ points. It's harmful.

But no, I love this thing.

Should I delete this for the betterment of the public or keep it and die an imbecile?

Sabi nga ni anonymous teacher, "We can't be heartless geniuses, nor can we be loving imbeciles."

I think I'm the latter. I don't know.

What constitutes a substantial person? My idea is that a substantial person should be smart, opinionated, has general knowledge of everything under the sun, at the same time is compassionate towards others and is an over-all nice guy/girl.

I am so NOT like that. The freaking strength test even said that I don't have wisdom. I don't even know why people actually can bear to talk to me for extended periods. Don't they get dumber because of me?

Sometimes I think that I'm smarter than I let on, but most of the time, comparing myself to other people, I feel so dumb. I don't like movies or books that require me to think. I believe that books and movies are there to entertain me, and thinking is restricted to schoolwork. Maybe that's why. I think my brain is rotting in its own juices. But should I force myself to do something I don't want? Like read a philosophical book, for example? Or like, claim that I loves movies like...Proof or A Beautiful Mind (which I have seen a bit of a million times but I just switch the channel)?

That's just pretend.

Most guys say that their ideal girl should be "smart". So I've found another piece that solves the puzzle of my pending singlehood. And yeah, the extra extra extra weight.

Now off to Chapter 18! Hoorah!

Snotty People

I just hate it when people, “intellectual” people, look down upon people who admire movie stars, “celebrities”. I was watching the program The Scholar, and each of the contestants were asked a series of questions. One of those was, “Which well-known person would you want to have dinner with” or something like that, I didn’t quite catch the question. All the contestants chose someone who’s involved in politics or is a historical figure or something. And this one girl answered, “Angelina Jolie”. One of the three judges, while they discussed the answers, commented, “I could’ve jumped off a building at the first answer.”

I mean, what’s wrong with that? Angelina Jolie is a great role model. She’s a great woman. Yes, she is a celebrity, and she uses her status to her advantage, that is, to influence people to do good. She’s famous, beautiful, charismatic and (we can’t deny) rich. She adopts orphans from poor countries and raises them as her own. They may be of a different race to her, but she doesn’t care. She goes to Africa to do charity, and I mean really do it, not just donate huge chunks of money and sit back and see where that goes. She chose Namibia, a not-so-well-known African country as her hiding place for her pregnancy, rather than sailing off to some high class place like France or Italy. She and Brad are spokespersons for charities, and they’re not only faces.

I think that Angelina did more in trying to make the world better than those three judges just sitting there being “intellectual”. Yes, their jobs are important too, but why do that particular judge have to judge Angelina right away as an unworthy choice for a role model just because she’s a celebrity? Angelina is a humanitarian, and she is serious about it. She helps people with her heart, not just to make her image better. I believe that a person needs not to memorize the Constitution or have an over-the-top IQ to be a good role model. A person just needs to have the purest intentions in his/her heart to make the world a better place, and they are more than good enough to be looked up to by everyone.

it's NOT fair!!!

Ok, I need to take a deep breath first.

*breathes*

Ok. I just saw the top 4 elimination of American Idol about 5 minutes ago. I really enjoyed their performances last night - the Elvis songs were great. And I felt that the contestants really brought it. Good reviews were recieved by them, most of all Elliot (the most deserving to win), and least of all, Katherine (I love her, but...).

Being a rock fan, as you know, I rooted for Bo last year, where he almost won. But at least he's the runner up right? So this year, I rooted for Chris Daughtry. True, true, Bo is better than him in terms of versatility, but Chris can sing, and he can ROCK! He's so intense, you can feel the air around you get sucked up into the tv screen when he performs.

I predicted him and Mandisa to be at the finale. Unluckily, Mandisa was out weeks ago, another stupid mistake. She was the best female vocalist there. This was the time that I underappreciated Elliot, but not anymore. He deserves to win. But of course, I still leave a little for Chris.

The show started, and the top 4 performed. It was fantastic! Chris sang "Love Me Tender" and it was oh so beautiful I almost melted. And then they rocked out, and they had a lot of fun. I was smiling the whole time. The show was going great so far. But when Chris got paired up with Katherine for the vote-off, I sat up alert. Ok, I was confident that Kat would get voted off because her 2 performances got negative remarks, while Chris got a great remark for the first and a so-so one for the second. But that's better than getting two boos right?

As Ryan Seacrest's style, he tends to shock people. I was really concentrating, but then thoughts were swimming in my head as I prayed hard, "Not Chris... Not Chris...". But then, Ryan suddenly blurted out, "Chrish, you're going home tonight. The journey ends here."

The scenario didn't register right away. I realized it when they started showing the video of his journey in AI. I was shocked, angry, depressed all at the same time. Tears appeared, I couldn't help it. I was speechless. Frantically, I reached for my cellphone and called the only peson I knew who's watching the same time as me.

I was screaming, wailing more like, into the phone. I really couldn't express my disappointment. Chris did wonderful last night, and for that he got voted off? Katherine deserved to go tonight. Believe me, I've got nothing against her. I love her. She's one of my favorites, she's so talented and so gorgeous. But her performance last night, compared to the other 3 guys, can't match up, and she should've gone. I'm now starting to believe the conspiracy theory of many people, that the network is the one choosing who's going and who isn't. I think they're trying to keep in "interesting" by leaving a girl in the top 3, or else it'll be all guys. They're sacrificing their credibility for this, and it sucks. This season wasn't that great to start with, and then they do this. I hate it.

CHRIS DAUGHTRY

Rocker

the TRUE top 3.