The Dream Prom

"I just wanted to be Cinderella, just for one night. One night when a guy would look at me under those corny crepe paper streamers and say, 'You look so beautiful." And then he'd grab my hand and ask me to dance." ~Mercedes, Glee 2x20

I know that Glee is supposed to be a teen drama/musical show. I know that story-wise, it's all over the place. But it has those little moments that speak to me and keep me watching.

I know I haven't been a teen in a long time, but I still want Mercedes' dream prom. And she got it. I'm still waiting for mine.

A short background: 


In my high school, you're not allowed to bring your own date during your Junior-Senior prom. Teachers are gonna make each section line up, and you will be paired according to height with your counterpart in the higher/lower batch. (Ex. If you're the tallest girl in 3rd year Section A, your partner will be the tallest boy in 4th year Section A) 


Some people ("special" students a.k.a. favorites or those who are really really smart) can request for their partners. Sadly, I'm not one of those. So when I was a junior, I got stuck with an asshole for a date. Luckily I shared him with another girl (there was a shortage of guys in our school) so that made it better a little. Then when I was a senior, I ended up being partnered with a guy who's half a foot shorter than me. Seriously, there are a LOT of tall guys in their batch. I don't know which one of us were getting punished. I wouldn't want to think that being paired with me was some sort of punishment. I also wouldn't want to think I was getting punished for something by being paired with him because I was a good student back then.

That was my prom experience. It pretty much sucked. It would have been abysmal if it weren't for my friends being there.

Now, six long years later, I'm still waiting for that dream prom. I guess that's why I'm so attached to movies or shows with dance scenes. I want my sweet slow dance with someone who actually wants to dance with me and not just someone following protocol.

System Restore

System Restore: Restore your computer's settings to a time when everything was working properly. Some recently installed programs might be erased. -Sana pwedeng i-system restore ang buhay paminsan noh? Thing is, will you be willing to erase the "recently installed" people sa buhay mo and the memories that come with them just so you could go back to a time when everything seemed fine? (sorry, ayaw mag-boot ng comp ko kakainis!)

Posted this on Twitter and FB. Wala lang, I was actually OK that time. I was rebooting my brother's desktop one night and it was displaying some error message. It then showed the "system restore" option, informing me that by doing this, I could go back to a time when the system was working properly. It also warned me that when I click OK, recently installed programs will be erased.

I did not click OK. I got it to work fine though after another reboot.

Anyway, that whole "system restore" thing got me thinking: what if I can do that in real life? When everything feels wrong, I just hit that button and go back to a time when I was completely happy? Or to a specific fork in the road of my life and choose the other path?

Sounds wonderful, doesn't it?

But there's a catch.

All of the people (and here, people are the programs installed into one's life) that you knew after that fork in the road will be erased from your life, including the memories that you made with them.

Admit it; there are indeed people you've recently met that you wish you never have. They may have hurt you severely, made your life a living hell, or just annoyed your day - there's that someone you want erased from your history.

On the other hand, there can also be people whom you've known for only a few months but then... You already cannot even bear to imagine life without them. The question is, would you be willing to let go of these people just to go back to that longed for moment in time?

And how are you supposed to know which point to go back to? It is highly tempting to give in to weakness and pick a point where there's still that "someone" and everything's a little bit better, but it's a point that's past that crucial fork in the road, which makes the whole system restore thing useless.

Ah, such a dilemma, isn't it?

Hello 2011!!!

The first month of the year is about to end and I just realized that I haven't blogged in 4 months! What have I been doing?!

Oh yeah, work.

Ah, work, which is what I'm supposedly doing right now. Again, I'm at Starwood Hotel in Baguio. I actually have no idea why we're here again. We're supposed to be finalizing stuff for next month but.. Oh well. I don't wanna talk about work.

So, January. It's the time when everybody's being positive and setting goals and getting hyped up about achieving those goals. I'm not gonna deny it; I'm one of those people. I actually downloaded a checklist app! I wanna know exactly what I'm gonna do. As they say, having goals isn't enough. One must know exactly which steps to take in order to get to those goals. Hence, the checklist.

So what are my goals for this year? Hmm. Well, that's for me and my checklist app to know. :) All I can say is that I don't wanna have the same goals again like I did the past few years and never get around to achieving them. This time, I wanna be sure. I wanna see results. It's time for some change.

End of September. Time to Wake Up.

So it's the last day of September and I am still two posts away from my goal. Sigh. I know I can do this. I have lots of stuff that I wanna talk about but things just got in the way.

I am trying my best not to complain right now, not after the horrible thing that happened in this country. 

Last weekend, starting Friday night, it rained nonstop. We didn't really mind because it's been raining often the past couple of months. What we didn't anticipate was the amount of rainfall. There weren't strong winds, just a whole lot of rain. Come Saturday morning, people have started calling for help because it has started flooding and the water has started to enter their houses. Not long after, reports have been received that some houses have already been submerged completely in the floodwater. The occupants climbed onto their roofs to wait for rescue. It did not come until much later. Some have already died of the cold.

This catastrophe brought out such admirable traits from Filipinos. Instantly, donations started coming in. Those with resources such as rubber boats and big trucks and helicopters offered them for the rescue missions. Everyone else anticipated the needs and donated clothes and food. By Sunday morning, the ABSCBN foundations have gotten 20M pesos worth of goods and about 10M worth of cash. 

My family and I also pooled our resources to help some relatives affected by this. I'm still planning on giving to the charities and maybe also help out in packing relief goods.

I am one of the fortunate ones that live in a place without flooding problems. I am greatly thankful for it. And now I am feeling guilty that earlier this day I felt like I had the suckiest life on earth. I really tried my best to focus on what I have and how lucky I am that I have them. But sometimes it just... I don't know. Things get to me. No matter how hard I try to stay positive and be happy, things get to me later.

Oh well. Right now I'm over it and everything's fine again. I would like to move on and post about my favorite topics now. :)

Veggie Zombie

I feel like a zombie.

Maybe I've already turned into one.

For speech, I now only am capable of grunts and moans. My head feels like it's steadily building up to an implosion. My lips and mouth feel dry all the time. My eyes are blurry, my movements stiff and slow.

I'm just waiting for my flesh to rot and everything will be set.

However, I haven't the urge to sink my teeth into human visitors to my room yet, so there's still that stage to tackle.

Or maybe I'm a veggie zombie. If there are "veggie" vampires like Edward, then I might as well be a veggie zombie.

Maybe I'll go attack a vegetable patch later.

I'm....Dying.....*THUD*

So this is the first weekend of a series of torturous weekends to come. I spent yesterday (Saturday) dreaming up a plot for my "seditious" short story for history class. I spent half the night staring at a blank screen, urging creative sentences out of my fingertips. But they wouldn't budge. I thought that a horror movie break would get the juices flowing, but by 2am, I've only typed about half a page, and half of that half is the author's note, which isn't really part of the short story itself. Right now it's almost 3pm. I have finished two whole pages already. The only problem is that that's not yet half of the story.

Argh. How am I gonna finish this and finish another paper (for Philo) by tomorrow morning? Unless I cut my horror movie class. But I absolutely love that class. It's the only class that gets me excited about Mondays. No, I'm not gonna cut that class. I will finish this no matter what! Come on, inspiration! Hit me now!

Brand New Day

Still sleepy, and I have to stay in school the whole day today. 10:30am-7:30pm! Goodness. And I've only had like, 4 hours of sleep. Hmm. Maybe after this post I'll catch a 30-minute nap. I can't do proper research with my head like this: numb and refusing to function.

I wish I'd have a full hour of inspiration. You know, one where it'd just hit me and I'd finish a ton of work in that span of time. 'Coz right now it's just...blah. I wanna finish everything, but it's like nothing's coming out...

So anyway, I promised myself yesterday that I'm gonna be miserable only until last night. (The last couple of posts would give you a hint of what I'm talking about) From today on, I'm not gonna care about that anymore. It's just... too much. It's too much to handle right now, especially with all the panic of finishing the thesis and racing to pull up my grades before the semester ends, which only has a month and two weeks left in it. I'm excited as well as terrified right now, the former because it's gonna be sembreak soon, the latter because the defense date is coming fast. So I don't think I can take any more agony. I might have a nervous breakdown. If it happens, it happens. I don't care anymore. Bahala na. Bahala na rin siya. I'm just gonna get on up and try to be a good student and get my grades up and enjoy the last days of my college life.

I'm still sick of being single but what am I gonna do? Maybe I'm just destined to be alone forever. Maybe I'm just repulsive, I don't know. Some ask me why being single bothers me so much. They tell me there's no need to hurry because I'm still young, etc. Some, who are also single, ask me the same thing. They can't understand me because they're single like me, no boyfriend since birth too, but it doesn't really bother them.

Well, it's not that I'm desperate or that I have some sort of deadline to meet. It's just that after falling in-like with someone and not have those feelings reciprocated hurts. To have that happen to me three times in the span of 8 years simply tells me that there is something innately unlikeable about me. Or maybe I'm just placed into this world to be everybody's friend and nothing more. And it also doesn't help that I've got friends (really close friends, more like sisters really, whom I love to bits) who, when they get a crush on someone, eventually that someone will like them back. That happens to them all the time. So combine all of those reasons and you'd get what I feel. But the most painful thing of all is hoping. Because at some point, when you like someone so much, you begin to hope that the feeling is mutual. You'd wish it were. I mean, it could be, right? It happens to other people (i.e. my friends) so it's actually possible in this world to have one person return another person's feelings. And then it doesn't happen. So the only conclusion I could derive from my experience is that there is something seriously wrong with me, that's why I'm 21 and single since birth.

However, a line from Lifehouse's Whatever It Takes goes like this:

You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me

I do love myself. That's what I think anyway. Maybe I should love myself more.

F this whole thing. I'm sick of it. I'm beginning to think falling in love is overrated. F it all, I'm going back to bed. Screw the meeting.

Spot On, David.

I hung up the phone tonight
Something happened for the first time deep inside
It was a rush, what a rush

Cause the possibility
That you would ever feel the same way about me
It's just too much, just too much

Why do I keep running from the truth?
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I've just got to know

Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it real or just another crush?
Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
Cause I try and try to walk away
But I know this crush ain't goin' away
Goin' away

Has it ever crossed your mind
When we're hanging, spending time, are we just friends?
Is there more, is there more?

See it's a chance we've gotta take
Cause I believe that we can make this into something that will last
Last forever, forever

Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it real or just another crush?
Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
Cause I try and try to walk away
But I know this crush ain't goin' away

David Archuleta - Crush

Lifehouse... Lifehouse...

My 21st birthday is less than a week away. I can't believe I'm turning 21. I can't believed it's sandwiched between two awesome concerts: Lifehouse's and Daughtry's. I also can't believe how unbelievably non-excited I am.

I'm not gonna go into details here because I don't wanna spread depression all over the lives of the one or two people who actually read this. But there's been some stuff going on and...yeah let's just say they're very distracting and have unbelievably bad timing. Then I just learned that we have a trillion things to do as seniors. First off, I'm not sure if our thesis proposal has been approved. I really really hope it has, or else we'll waste another week or two rewriting and resubmitting and re-waiting for the results. Other groups are currently very busy doing theirs. I don't know what they're doing though. We didn't have thesis consultations for two weeks now so I have no idea what we're supposed to do next. I so think that we're gonna cram. Again. Second, as I mentioned, my friend just told me that we were supposed to attend a minimum of 4 career talks or else we get a hold order (I'm not really sure what it is, but it's just a really huge pain in the butt--can't get test permits or get grades and stuff). I wasn't able to attend the first two and I can't attend the one tomorrow because I've got doctor's appointment. So I missed marketing and entrepreneurship talks, which are the best ones. All that's left are BPO, arts & fashion, IT & Telecom, and services. I mean, what are those?! What the hell is BPO? I'd love to go to the arts & fashion though. Third, well, there's the general suckiness of schoolwork. Group works, reports, midterms in two weeks, org stuff, yearbook photos...

Sigh.

I just... I don't know anymore. I feel like there's just too much going on and so many things to do. But sometimes I feel like I'm not even doing anything! Which is the case most of the time. But still. I don't know. I'm just overwhelmed with everything. I don't know why.

Anyway, I'm in a YM conference right now and I have no idea what to contribute to the discussion. I just keep asking stupid questions. Stupid stupid questions. I hope they don't kill me for it. I'll try to contribute something. Maybe later this week. Lol.

So I'm downloading Lifehouse's latest album to cheer myself up. I'd really love to buy the actual CD though. I want a complete Lifehouse collection. Lol. Hanging by a Moment is the best song ever. I would cry when they perform that. I know I will. I've always wondered about the people who cry during concerts. I get really excited, yeah, but not to the point of tears. But I just know that that song will send me weeping. Better brings some tissue.

One of the Whatever Moments at Work

So far, today has been a surprisingly wonderful day! I got to work 6 minutes late (this is the fifth time I've been late, and this is the latest by far. we do have a 10-minute leeway though so I guess that's ok, but I really do try to be on time). I was kinda bummed about that because I really don't like being late, it's just that I fell asleep after having breakfast and woke up at 8:22AM! Reminder to self: NEVER SLEEP WITHOUT SETTING THE ALARM CLOCK.

So my boss won't be here the whole day which is cool 'czuse I don't really feel like working today. I will do some designing later though, when I have absolutely nothing else to do. Right now I'm busy blogging and downloading stuff. Haha. I have 7 hours to go before I have to go back to my snail-paced DSL. It's about as fast as a really good dial up. Argh.

I just wish my brother would lend me this computer for another day after he comes back, just for me to finish all the downloads here. I can't very well install uTorrent to the office laptop right? As I am installing Limewire here. Haha. I might as well download songs too.

Okay, I promise I will work seriously starting 1PM. I have two more hours to bum.

So yesterday was Labor Day, and our swimming trip pushed through after all. I was a hairbreadth away from giving up last night when my mom told me that she would also be going somewhere so she's really gonna ask the driver to come in. I thought he was supposed to have a day off. So yey, we had transportation!

I brought this huge ass ancient cooler with lots of ice and drinks. Swimming could really get someone hungry and thirsty. I don't know why but we only finished a 1.5 bottle of Pepsi, a couple of bottles of water and a sall bottle of Coke Zero. I guess we drank too much pool water? EEEWWW.

I rediscovered that I could swim yesterday. I could actually be out of reach of the sides and survive. Nothing fancy though. I just let myself float, and when I did, I just kind of moved my arms up and down and I actually went to some direction. Haha. I did inhale water often though. It hurt but oh well. At least it was cloudy and cool (thanks to Mel n Sar!) It's the best weather to go swimming for me. But I still prefer night swimming!

And after that, we ate. Dennie made tacos and barbecue. It was awesome. I absolutely love her tacos! If only I could've brought home the leftover. Haha. It;s that good. And Grace made fantastic cookies! They're big like the ones at Starbucks but wau way better. We couldn't get enough of them! It melts in your mouth! I wish she'd give me some for my birthday. Haha.

After we've polished off our plates, we laid back beside the pool and just...chilled. We talked about whatever and everything else. We even guessed which one of us is going to get married first. All I can say is that it's definitely not going to be me. I may as well be the last. I don't wanna get married soon! The earliest that I want to get married is 28 years old, no sooner. I still have a lot that I want to do. I wanna go places with my friends. I don't wanna lose my identity yet! I wanna be like the girls from Sex and the City. Free and fabulous. I mean, I do wanna find love. And based on my almost 21 years of experience, love doesn't want to find me. So how could I get married any time soon right? I don't even have someone to marry yet! I don't even have anyone to fall in love with!

Although there's Jon Avila. He goes to church every Sunday (so I've heard). That's the kind of guy I'd wanna marry! And he's cute. Haha.

Cravings

Man, I just found out that it's that time of the month. Ugh. I thought I just had a stomach ache but there's more. Now I feel so icky and heavt and lazy and the rain outside isn't heloing in waking me up.

Right now, all I wanna be is at home under the covers enjoying the sound, smell, and the coolness that the rain brings while watching new episodes of Smallville, Ugly Betty, and Ghost Hunters. Or just continuing my Charmed marathon.

I still want that Chicken Ceasar's Salad I've been craving for a week now.

Voldemort, Voldemort, oooh Voldy-voldy--voldy-voldemort!

A couple of week s ago, I downloaded about 13GB worth of Christmas videos. From classic holiday flicks like A Christmas Carol to modern Hollywood products like Santa Clause (1 to 3) to silly cartoon specials like Johnny Bravo Christmas, I have them all, safely tucked inside a folder here in my fast-diminishing Drive C. I really need a new hard disk.

So, as my quest for Christmas videos went on, I stumbled upon these awesome videos which I've almost forgotten about (and I feel really guilty about that. I mean, just because the books are all out doesn't mean that I could forget...what kind of fan am I?! --crazy--).

POTTER PUPPET PALS!!!

I absolutely loved the first two clips they made: Bothering Snape and Trouble at Hogwarts. But guess what, they have new ones! They even did a live performance some time early this month. Of course it's somewhere in the US of A but thank goodness for technology, right?

You can just check out my Multiply site for the rest of the videos, but I'm gonna post my favorite of all.

Potter Puppet Pals in
THE MYSTERIOUS TICKING NOISE

I swear, you're never gonna get this out of your head once you've seen it. it's awesome! I'm still figuring out a way on how to make this my ring tone.

Snape...Snape...Severus Snape...
Snape...Snape...Severus Snape...
Dumbledore!
Ron-Ron-Ron Weasely!
Snape...Snape...Severus Snape...
Dumbledore!
Ron-Ron-Ron Weasley!
Hermione. Hermione!
Harry Potter! Harry Potter! Harry Potter! Harry Potter!

*I can't type everything HAHAHA I just watched it again, makes me crack up every time!

So now, back to reality. I have two long articles to edit and I've only finished like 1/5 of the first one. I also have to make invitations shaped like Chuck Taylors and read about 200 pages worth of readings, all in one day.

I'm going back to my Grey's Anatomy marathon now.

Sausages

I just found out that we have 5 different kinds of sausages (or hotdogs) in the freezer: foot long, the fat one, the brownish pepper-y one, the thin beef hotdog I brought home from Subic, and the red Tender Juicy one. I had one of each for dinner. :)

Now I feel like throwing up. :D

Night Out with Friends

Goodness, I never realized how long I haven't seen my friends. It's actually been months!

Anyway, we went to Greenhills tonight. As usual. But I like it there; it's more comfortable and more conducive to hanging out than Greenbelt or anywhere else. Well, my house is the best place to hang out but whatever. Lol.

I actually didn't want to go out tonight. I just wanted to stay home and watch cartoons and watch the stuff I've downloaded and go to sleep to wake up the next day to do the same thing. And of course, there's this whole Glorietta (a huge mall) blowing up thing. It was scary. But then I thought, okay, I'll go for them. I really didn't want to spend that much money. But I ended up spending about 600php for food. I hate it. If only I could regurgitate it all back... Hope I'm not grossing anybody out.

Should've went for fast food.

After waiting and waiting and waiting for Bats to arrive, we ended up playing basketball in Timezone. Since we all have no money left, we chipped in for a card. And we only afforded two games each. After that we didn't even have money to pay for the pay lounge. And we really had to pee. So we ended up...

Paying. Lol. Hey, that's 10php per person. I could've bought 20 pcs. of fishball with that. And all we did was leave toxins behind. Agh. Anyway, that's cheaper than having kidney stones removed.

Our final "resting place" was at Starbucks. I know we were super kaduper loud awhile ago but who cares. I had a lot of fun just talking about stupid meaningful and sometimes gross stuff. (We actually started talking about pooping while we were having dinner and then we somehow got to talking about boogers... Yeah, we are great conversationalists.)

No, this post has no "lesson". The only thing I learned was that I have to go get a driver's license already because all of my friends already have one and are already driving (except for one lol I'm not alone yey!).

And oh yeah, I got called an SSB, which stands for Single Since Birth, which, I think, is a more depressing term for my situation than NBSB (no boyfriend since birth). Whatcha think?

So... This Is Sembreak

The only light in my room right now is from this laptop.

No, I'm not being emo. Lol. It's just weird having nothing to do. I cleaned my room yesterday and got about a foot tall of scratch paper (readings from past sems and stuff... judging from the tall pile beside my bed, I think I've spend about 1000 pesos in overall photocopying.) My dear ol' nanny said that I still have a couple drawers full of trash to go through. Ah, yes. That's my job during holidays.

So right now I'm making playlists of Christmas songs for my parents. My mom just wanna have a Christmasy feeling in the house I guess. It's just an innate quality of Christmas songs, making people happy. Although there's still a couple months to go, I've been listening to carols for days. It makes me happy.

My dad wants a CD to listen to while driving. It's adorable and kinda sad when he said, "Gawan mo na ako ng CD para mapakinggan ko sa kotse, kasi kung hindi, wala na next year nanaman."

I was like, yeah... Better we start celebrating early 'coz in December, they'll be busy with the ham-making (yes, we make Christmas ham so if anybody is interested... message me!) and I'd be busy having long tests and school stuff. Before we know it, it's Christmas eve and we'd only have a day to actually listen to these songs... And then Christmas Day would pass by just like that, and we'd have to wait another year...

Every year for about six or seven years now, I've been wishing for a really wonderful Christmas, like the ones I had when I was younger. I don't know why Christmas just started getting dreary some time when I hit high school. Is it because I'm a grown up now? (I can't believe I just admitted that. I'm effing 20, officially a grown up. Well, okay, not yet. But next year I will be.) Is Christmas really for kids only? Or is it because when I was younger, I knew what Christmas is all about and now I've forgotten about it?

Maybe it's because we held the party here in our home before, and we'd have games and stuff. The house would be bursting to the rim with people, employees and relatives alike, all with smiles on their faces. The buzz was just wonderful. And of course, I still had my lolo back then. He was really patient with me even though I'd drag him around the house so we can play with building blocks and stuff.

Lately, what has been my Christmas routine? Okay, so in high school, I'd be back from softball games just in time for the company party which was held in some restaurant. Or I'd be tired from writing all that siao khai and ta khai. No, I don't participate in games anymore because my cousins weren't there anymore to look like a fool with me. When I was little, my cousins were pretty much the same age as I am. We would join all the games and fight over prizes and stuff. It was loads of fun. Now there's a new generation of kids. I don't even know them. I can't join in any "contests" because...well, they're for employees right? And I don't know any of them. The ones I knew are now all gone. My cousins don't attend the parties anymore. So basically during company parties I just attend to make an "appearance" and just eat and drink. That's all. There were many times when I just wanted to hang out in one of my friend's place that night. It would've been much more fun.

Sixteen, seventeen years ago, I'd help my mom shop and wrap up gifts and I'd go downstairs and put them under the tree and be all happy 'coz I felt like I were Santa. Christmas eve, I'd be hanging in my parents' room watching cartoons and every Christmas special I can find. Then I'd be called to take a bath so I could dress up for the party later. Today... Well, what do I do? Can't even remember what I did last year. Oh yeah, I burnt my hand baking cakes for the people in Sta. Cruz and I didn't even get as much as a casual "Thanks". They just...left it there. I don't even know if anybody ate even a sliver. It was my best cake recipe" White Chocolate cake. Even my brother, who is my biggest critic when it comes to cooking, said that I did something right when I made my first white chocolate cake.

Well this time I found a sugar-free cookie recipe. I haven't tested it yet. Maybe I will tomorrow. But heck, if that's what they want, cardboard tasting things. Then that's what I'll make.

Anyway, I don't know. I guess I'll just stop wishing for a happy Christmas. I don't think I can remake what I had before. Maybe it is a law of nature that as one grow older, the less one enjoys Christmas. Well, unless one has a "special someone" to spend it with. Then that individual would be all set until February. Agh. No. I'm not gonna complain about my permanent status again.

I'm just gonna complain about the abysmal download speed of this laptop. Goodness! I've been downloading the latest episode of heroes for almost two hours now! TRhat should be done by now. Grr!

And so now I gotta go to the hospital with my mom. She's having a check up, I guess.

Whoop-dee-doo.

I can't even find the USB that connects my mp3 player to the computer so I can't put in my Christmas songs. How sucky is that? I want an ipod! Only two months' worth of salary and allowance to go...

So... What's Up People?

I don't really have anything substantial to say right now. Just thought that I'd pass the time while I wait for the really slow downloading of the first season 3 Supernatural episode. And Smallville 7's second. Yikee! I'm happy. I have a life again. Well, for me that's a life, downloading and watching tv shows. I'm kind of the tv show provider in school. I had this "download all I can" phase a year ago, and that went on for months and months... I think it's still going on. It's just that I've ran out of tv shows to download. But more importantly, I've ran out of disk space. So after finals week, I'm gonna archive all the movies and tv shows into dvds so I can download more crap off the net. Yey!

I'm feeling kind of shitty right now. Last night, this was just an itch in my throat. This morning it was a pretty uncomfortable itch coupled with dryness and coughing. During my abysmal tutoring session, it became a fever. Slight fever, but still, a fever, and only a few days before finals week.

It's my usual tonsillitis. Maybe I should've gotten these yanked out when I was younger so it wouldn't keep on bothering me. I don't know. I guess I'm kind of attached to them. Sometimes being sick (not lethally though) is nice because everyone acts so concerned and I get to just stay in the room with my aircon on and watch tv. I like the hugs too. Yeah yeah, I'm a baby. I like it. I mean, being in a hellhole for months and months trying to be Magis or be close to being it, really takes a lot outta someone. My grades are sucky (goodbye DL) and I have the stubbornest laziest kid with the shortest attention span as a tutee. Ok, I gotta give her credits though. She managed to pass her second mastery test (like a long test for kindergarten). Her first score was 13/20. That was before I was tutoring her. The second was when I was already tutoring her. She scored 24/30. Yey for her! And yey for me too for actually getting something into and imprinting it on her brain!

She's got another mastery test on Monday. And it took her 2 whole hours to write 61-100 in Chinese numbers. Seriously. I'm proud of myself for finally learning how to be patient because I was having a headache already and the High School Musical 2 soundtrack was playing in the room and she was asking me if her molars looked like pasta when I specifically asked her to sit down and write 61-100 in Chinese...and I didn't snap. Inside my head, I was screaming, but I managed to keep it controlled. Yeah. Yey for that.


Download status: Smallville 7x02--> 81%, 35 mins remaining. Supernatural 3x01-->66% 1 hr 21 mins remaining.

ANG TAGAL PA GUSTO KO NA PANOORIN!!!!!!!!

I wanna be in my room under my covers watching Sam and Dean battle demons... I missed them. It's a miracle I got through 5 months without them. I had to live on reruns!

I'm thinking about the stuff I'm gonna do this sembreak. Of course, a big chunk of sembreak time would be for sleeping. But what else? Oh yeah, I wanna finish my unfinishable unread books. I'm running out of space in my read books cabinet, but I managed to find another place to stash the others. I'm gonna name it my "more already read books cabinet". Yeah I know it sucks. Please don't pick on someone with a scrambled brain who's in dire need of an antibiotics. And a glass of milk. I want a glass of milk, and maybe a banana. I'm not hungry... But I just want some.

It's my dad's birthday today, and that's actually one of the reason why I came close to trashing my tutee's playroom. I planned on getting home early, maybe at around 7:30 so I could spend time with my dad, you know, doing our usual bonding, that is, sitting quietly in front of the television watching half-naked men fake-ly wrestle each other. Yep. That's how we bond. No wonder I turned out like this. Anyhow, there's still a chance to grow. (I don't make sense, do I?)

More High School Musical songs came and went, and even more annoying dancing while not doing the 61-100 Chinese numbers I asked for her to write. The early getaway didn't happen.

I wonder if my parents are still awake? I wanna hang out in their room. That would be weird for most people my age, because I think 20 year olds still have teenage-hood hangover, you know, the angst phase...whatever. I like hanging out with my parents from time to time. I don't know, it kind of makes me feel more at home. It's like when school is just so crazy and I'm pressuring myself to be all magis and stuff... When I hang out with them, I feel like home. Like yeah, the problems and papers are still there, but they're outside of me at that moment. Right then, I'm just shobe (little sister, for those who think that's alien speak). I have an excuse to be fussed over and be lectured (not in a terrifying way, more like to be shared wisdom to) and really say out loud that I'm scared.

I am. I'm scared. And confused. Right now, I really am. Maybe it's just the loneliness speaking (I've been single for 20 years...when will I get used to that? when will I accept the fact that I'd be like this forever and just move on?), but I don't know. Maybe it's something else. It's normal, isn't it? To be confused at my age? I mean, I was just thinking the other day, "Shemay, I only have a year and a half to go... Today I'm only looking back at high school, but pretty soon I'd be looking back at college..."

That thought really scared me.

I don't feel like I'm old enough to be looking back at college. I mean, I still feel the same way I did when I was in high school. I'm still a bit crazy, a bit immature, but I think I've gained a little wisdom. Just a little, not even enough to merit a wisdom tooth, although I already have two. And they're making my front teeth uneven, but not noticeable enough that I have to get braces. Anyways, I'm just really unsure about my capabilities. Like in March, I'd have to go and be an intern in a real company. I'd have to talk to people. Business people! I can't even talk to just people, let alone business people! Will I have to wear heels? I trip while wearing slippers, what more heels?! I can type properly in English, but who says that I can speak like this?!

I CAN'T!!!

I'm gonna die... Really. It's just a scary scary thing, growing up. I took the job as a tutor to teach myself about responsibility (of course, the extra cash helps), but I don't think that's even close enough to compare with what I'm gonna experience out there.... in the real sharky world. Right now, I can rely on my friends to tell me what to do (because I seldom listen in class, or when I listen, I seldom get what the teacher is saying). But what if I'm out there? Who's gonna go through the steps with me? Who's gonna help me with what to do next? Because I get lost right away. I'm not dumb, just a little stupid, that's all. I don't even understand the whole SPSS encoding procedure!!!

There'll be no more group works... Well, yeah, I think there will be. But still, it's not the same. And I'm so worried about my qualifications. Am I good enough? Will my grades be good enough? Do I physically look good enough? (this is the hard part)

This post may be insecurity galore, but I'm sure that someone else out there is feeling the same way. If you're that one soul, please message me. Let's be miserable together. Misery always loves company.

Update on downloads:
Smallville 7x02 ---> 100%! yey!
Supernatural 3x01 ---> 80%, 40 mins to go. come on already! I've already ran out of emo things to say!!!

Uhm... Lovely Night?

Okay, tonight isn't exactly lovely.

It's just really... dreary.

Strat Plan sucked like hell. Friday night, I didn't know that we had a deadline. I thought the paper he made us do last Thursday was a group paper. I didn't check my email because 1) no internet here at home Thurs night 2) I was cramming for our one and only Philo long test.

So I didn't see the mail that said that the Global Trends Paper was due the next night at 7pm and it was an individual paper. If only I knew about this, I would've done a lot better. Well, maybe a little bit better. My paper was just full of BS. Really. Well, maybe a chunk of it, because we did discuss some of the things I wrote there. I just didn't cite sources to prove that the global trands I mentioned were really global trends. Argh. I wish I can keep my B class standing. I'm not asking for an A. Just a B will make me really happy.

Actually, an A will make me happier but that's like asking for Chris Tiu to like...talk to me or something.

Speaking of him.

No, I'm not gonna go all gooey and cheesy and fuss over him here. (I already did that in a previous post and I hope nobody read that) I was waiting for my file transfer to finish so I thought, why don't I google him? After all, I was wondering what his full name was. Christopher or Christian?

So, I found out that it was Christopher. Hmm. Why don't they just use the Topher part? Like that dude in That 70s Show. I guess Chris is faster to say.

Anyway, I stumbled over this blog post about him... And it kinda said everything that I wanted to say about Chris. Oh, and that I am really proud that I'm going to the same school as he is, and that I wish he went to SJCS, just to give my high school some glory.

Here's the blog entry I was talking about.

He's Prince Charming personified.

So the blogger said. Rightly put. I bet his parents are so damn proud of him they don't know what to do to express it. I kinda wish I'd be able to make my parents proud like that. I mean, basketball and acads at the same time? I'm not even that active in my orgs and I already get sucky grades. He trains all the time (someone told me the basketball team trains before and after class. what energy!) and is still a consistent DL. I mean... Wow. Just wow. I mean, that alone makes me admire him a whole lot. Throw in the looks and his down-to-earth attitude...

Just perfect.

Oh, and I read somewhere that he was in a Master (the facial cleaner for guys) commercial. I can't remember. Well, I think I do... But very very vaguely. And I can't find it on YouTube. Ah, sucks.

Well, all I can say is, he'd make a girl really really really really really 10-to-the-amouny-of-money-Bill-Gates-has-power happy someday. Or even right know. Don't know his status, don't wanna know either. :)

Oh, and to share a text message about him.. Really corny so don't read on if you hate this kinda thing:

ATTN: Fr. Nebres: "Church of the Gesu to be renamed Iglesia ni Christiu." For more infor, text ILUVTIU to 2366.

I just wanna say that this is kind of unfair to the other players. Really. As much as I admire Chris, I saw how hard Araw and Baclao and Reyes and even Long played last Thursday. I mean, Araw had what, 17 points? Or more? That deserves our appreciation guys!!! The Ateneo Blue Eagles are a TEAM...not just one person.

Oh yeah, and someone said that Chris was like a demigod now. I kinda-sorta agree...based on the way people talk about him. But I wouldn't wanna use that term. I find it a bit...blasphemous or something. I don't know. I see him as more of a celebrity.

Go, celebrity culture.

Yet Another Week

Another Monday is over. Well, what happened? Not much, as always.
I actually got up early today. I slept at around 2Am, which usually means that I'd get up at around 11 or 12 noon already. But today, I got up before 7AM. And it's not the groggy sort of wakefulness. I was fully awake and ready to go. Maybe my body finally recognized my desire to be productive this week.

Finally, after almost a week, I finished reading the article about Turkish speakers in Greece for Com Res. Yep. It's no use actually. I didn't get to answer the question. I didn't even understand the freakin' question. It was left hanging, for us to figure out on our own.

So anyway, I got a client to tutor already. Which is great. Ok, not really. The pay is a bit small, but what the heck. It's experience. My only problem is that the place of the kid I'm supposed to teach is far far away. I don't know how to commute, and my salary isn't enough to pay for our car's gas. Agh. I'm gonna give it a try this week though. And then if it gets too expensive, I'd request for another client.

I'm scared that I might not be able to control the kid. I'm not too good with kids. He/She might get scared of me.

Sooo... My brother's coming home from Hong Kong tomorrow. I'm excited! I hope we'd go out for breakfast. I wonder what he brought home for me.

I'm in a blank/boring mood today so please excuse me...

I just wanna say that I'm sooo *in love* with Randy Orton right now. (hence the photo wave lol!) Isn't he beautiful? He actually looks better with clothes on...

I miss DX!!!!

What I'm Looking For

I am looking for the wrong person, but not just any wrong person.
I'm looking for the right wrong person.
Someone I would lovingly gaze upon and think,
this is the problem I would like to have...

The title of this post is actually the title of a song by Brendan Benson. It's a really fun song actually. It's about not knowing what one wants. Not really knowing what this life's about, and where one is going. But life goes on so one has to just go along with it. Maybe eventually we'll find what we're looking for.

Here's the lyrics if anybody's interested.

Well, the quote above is just one of those quotes... You know, one that was like it came from me. But come to think of it, no, I do not want another problem. Because how can you love freely if you know that the person you're supposed to be loving isn't the right one? Well, I guess I get the point of this quote. I mean, how do you really know if someone's "the right one"? You just go out there and get into it. If he's the wrong one, then who cares? At that moment, you're in love, and nothing matters more.

But I don't know. I don't want another problem, that's all.

Age Old Question

If you're in love but afraid to tell the person for some reason,
just think about this:

one moment of embarrassment?

or

a lifetime of regret?

Whoever made this question is either really really confident or is really really lucky. Or is just naive.

Liking someone from afar is just infatuation. One can't fall in love by just second-hand information about another. One has to experience the person, know him well, and vice versa. Know his irritating habits and his endearing quirks and love him because of everything he is. Then steadily, that person grows into perfection in your eyes. He makes your heart leap the instance you see him, but at the same time you are comfortable around him. Falling into friendship is inevitable. At some point, a couple will be friends. But we're not talking about couples.

We're talking about one-sided love.

When you're in love with someone and you don't know if that person feels the same way, or even just like likes you, it's scary. You maintain your position on the safe grounds-->friendship. Be his friend. Be there for him. Hope that some time soon he'd notice you.

How do you know if he already likes you?

I don't know either. Maybe he's just a naturally sweet guy. Maybe he treats everyone the same way. You should know that if you know the person. If you're his friend, you'd know what he likes, and who he likes. I know it's hard. This is the bitter part of friendship. And there is a great chance you'd be stuck in this place forever. If you really love the person, it doesn't matter because having him in your life is enough for you to be happy. You wish him to be happy, even if his happiness lies not with you.

So, the question.

For me, it's not the lifetime of regret that I fear. It's not the momentary embarrassment either. It's the awkwardness that may follow that scares me. It's not like you can just go, "Hey, I love you. Oh. I'm just a friend to you. Forget this happened then! Let's go back to the way we were before."

Unless you have a huge inkling that the person loves you back, don't do this. Especially if you'd like to keep the person as a friend. Or unless you're leaving for another country and not coming back for a long time. Because believe me, I've seen proof of this, and it's not pretty. Sure, he might say that yeah, we're still the way we were. But nobody can erase that moment. When he looks at you he'd be thinking, "Oh my gosh. Is this person still in love with me? I hope I'm not giving off signals that I like her too because I don't."

This is just my opinion though. Go ahead and embarrass yourself if you want.

As for me, I'm going for the going-abroad-and-not-coming-back-for-a-decade approach. Maybe by then he'd have forgotten about it. Or maybe he'd have time to miss me or something. But that's just hoping. We'll never be anyway.