Age Old Question

If you're in love but afraid to tell the person for some reason,
just think about this:

one moment of embarrassment?

or

a lifetime of regret?

Whoever made this question is either really really confident or is really really lucky. Or is just naive.

Liking someone from afar is just infatuation. One can't fall in love by just second-hand information about another. One has to experience the person, know him well, and vice versa. Know his irritating habits and his endearing quirks and love him because of everything he is. Then steadily, that person grows into perfection in your eyes. He makes your heart leap the instance you see him, but at the same time you are comfortable around him. Falling into friendship is inevitable. At some point, a couple will be friends. But we're not talking about couples.

We're talking about one-sided love.

When you're in love with someone and you don't know if that person feels the same way, or even just like likes you, it's scary. You maintain your position on the safe grounds-->friendship. Be his friend. Be there for him. Hope that some time soon he'd notice you.

How do you know if he already likes you?

I don't know either. Maybe he's just a naturally sweet guy. Maybe he treats everyone the same way. You should know that if you know the person. If you're his friend, you'd know what he likes, and who he likes. I know it's hard. This is the bitter part of friendship. And there is a great chance you'd be stuck in this place forever. If you really love the person, it doesn't matter because having him in your life is enough for you to be happy. You wish him to be happy, even if his happiness lies not with you.

So, the question.

For me, it's not the lifetime of regret that I fear. It's not the momentary embarrassment either. It's the awkwardness that may follow that scares me. It's not like you can just go, "Hey, I love you. Oh. I'm just a friend to you. Forget this happened then! Let's go back to the way we were before."

Unless you have a huge inkling that the person loves you back, don't do this. Especially if you'd like to keep the person as a friend. Or unless you're leaving for another country and not coming back for a long time. Because believe me, I've seen proof of this, and it's not pretty. Sure, he might say that yeah, we're still the way we were. But nobody can erase that moment. When he looks at you he'd be thinking, "Oh my gosh. Is this person still in love with me? I hope I'm not giving off signals that I like her too because I don't."

This is just my opinion though. Go ahead and embarrass yourself if you want.

As for me, I'm going for the going-abroad-and-not-coming-back-for-a-decade approach. Maybe by then he'd have forgotten about it. Or maybe he'd have time to miss me or something. But that's just hoping. We'll never be anyway.

Sigh...

I don't know. I'm feeling gloomy today. Hay. I am happy that it's finally the weekend. I have a couple of days to recuperate from endless sleepless nights. Although there's still Philo orals and long test to go.

I'm also gonna have a small party with my friends. Belated celebration of my birthday. I miss them a lot and it's great that we're finally gonna see each other again.

So why do I feel so weird?

I don't know. It's one of those days, I guess. Hay. I don't know. I should be happy. Happy happy happy. I was happy awhile ago. Where did happiness go?

I've had the song Scars by Papa Roach all day in my head. I'm feeling kind of...just like that. Like mad and depressed. Whatever. Mad at myself. Mad at the world. Mad for feeling like this when I'm supposed to be ok.

"My weakness is that I care too much."

I guess right now the angst has gone and only a feeling of helplessness is left. Gentle hopelessness. And I want it to stop. I'd rather be angry. At least anger can be let out. But feeling like there's nothing I can do just eats me up.

Alone again tonight
Without someone to love
The stars are shining bright
So one more wish goes up

I wish I may
And I wish I with all my might
For the love I'm dreaming of
And missing in my life

You'd think that I could find
A true love of my own
It happens all the time
To people that I know

Their wishes all come true
So I've got to believe
There's still someone out there who
Is meant for only me

I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star
It seems like someone else keeps getting what I'm wishing for
Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are
I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star

I sit here in the dark
And stare up at the sky
But I can't give my heart
One good reason why

Everywhere I look
It's lovers that I see
Seems like everyone's in love
With everyone but me

Why can't I be as lucky
As those other people are
Oh I guess I must be wishing
On someone else's star


:(

All I Want

Nothing so loud

As hearing when we lie

The truth is not kind

And you said neither am I

The air outside so soft

Saying everything...

Everything...

All I want is to feel this way

To be this close

To feel the same

All I want

Is to feel this way

The evening speaks

I feel it say...

Nothing so cold

As closing the heart when all we need

Is to free the soul

But we wouldn't be that brave, I know

And the air outside so soft

Confessing everything...

Everything...

No it won't matter now

Whatever happens will be

Though the air speaks of all

We'll never be...

It won't trouble me...

About that four letter word

Here's something I recieved thru SMS from one of my friends:

Somebody once asked me, "How do you hold love?"
I answered, "With your hands wide open, your palms facing up, and with your heart ready to let go and let the other grow."
And that somebody asked, "What if it hurts you?'
I smiled wistfully and said, "Then it means you're doing it right."

I'm not really trying to say something really life changing or insightful here. I just agree that love hurts. It sucks. Well, not entirely. There's the love of your family and friends; those are good. But what I'm talking about is falling in love. It's awful. Especially if you give all your love, but that person just doesn't want you. It's just the worst thing ever, hoping that that person would feel the same way too. You keep hoping and reading into things too much, taking every little gesture as a sign of something else, some reciprocal feeling. Then you get all giddy and wide-eyed at the prospect of finally getting to him, of finally being seen as you see that person. And then you try to get closer because you assume you could, after all those little things you thought were affection, just to find yourself knocking against that same wall that is friendship, the same wall that's been blocking you, confining you in that room of his heart, the room labelled "FRIENDS ONLY".

And here's a song that is perfect for all the people out there that are in the same stand as I am right now about love, about falling in love, that love: IT'S CRAP.

Love hurts, love scars,
Love wounds, and marks,
Any heart, not tough,
Or strong, enough
To take a lot of pain,
Take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
Holds a lot of rain
Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts

I'm young, I know,
But even so
I know a thing, or two
I learned, from you
I really learned a lot,
Really learned a lot
Love is like a flame
It burns you when it's hot
Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts

Some fools think of happiness
Blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves I guess
They're not fooling me

I know it isn't true,
I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie,
Made to make you blue
Love hurts, ooh,ooh love hurts
Ooh,ooh love hurts

I Missed the Full Moon

Last night, the moon was bright and full in the evening sky...so as my brother said. I missed it. I didn't get to go out. I just slept through the whole day and tweaked my blog. (See the flickr flash over there?)

I love full moons. They're so romantic and halloween-y. I love just staring at it.

It is poetic on its own. It's so melancholic against the darkness of the night sky. It's as if it's so alone...

The stars are there to shine with it at night, but they're so far away, and they're not exactly the same. Some people may think it useless to have a moon. One, it doesn't have its own light (it just borrows from the sun, which is a star). Two, it doesn't provide heat or moon-energy or whatever.

Still, it is most humble. Though it needs to admit subordination and borrow from the sun, it does, just to give us light when everything is dark, when the sun can't and all the other stars are too far away to give.

Once a month-yes, only once-it gets to dominate the sky in all its glory. And those days, I love. It's weird, actually. On those days, I tend to wonder. About things...About life...what's going on, what's going to happen, what I want and if I'm ever gonna get to them. My imagination runs amuck. I start to visualize what might be, what I wish might be.

And then all things just...falls away. I get really sad...I think of him and get really sad... I think of why my life's going this way...why I'm loveless...

Most of the time, it's just general sadness that settles in. I can't explain it. It just does.

On rare occasions, I get hopeful. Like when Halloween or Christmas approaches. The full moon brings me endless possibilities. Yes, the imagination is there, but this time, on an optimistic note. I get the feeling that yes, it might be possible, it could really happen, I can make it to. I think this is the more dangerous one because I soar high with all idealism...and I'd crash hard. No, a white Christmas isn't possible over here afterall. I won't be spending it with my special someone, because I'm not special to that someone, or any other someones. I will grow up to be another Bridget Jones without the Mark Darcy part, singing "All by Myself" over and over during holidays, watch sappy movies, climb on the weighing scale while munching on a donut, and hate myself for being fat, then rant about it in my private diary, and probably on this blog, if it's still working.

However, all this negativity sums up to a hopeful thought. Wherever I am, whatever might be, there will always be the lone moon, revolving around the earth, bringing light, maybe love, and it will be that same moon that'll hover over us. It'll be that same moon we'll look at and ponder on.

Gusto ko lang sabihing...

Masakit.

Para bang tumatae ka at napakalaki ng tae na hindi magkasya sa butas ng puwet kaya unti-unti mong inilalabas at dahan dahang nababanat yung butas habang napapaluha ka na sa sakit. At pagkatapos noon, kapag nakaraos ka na, nandoon pa rin yung kirot. At alam mong babalik ang sakit kapag tumae ka ulit nang ganoon kalaki.

Wala lang, ganoon lang ang pakiramdam ko ngayon, kahit malambot naman ang tae ko kanina.

Have I Ever?

Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry

Yes.

Have you ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night

Uhuh.

Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right

Kind of...

Have you ever

Oo.

Have you ever

Oo nga.

Have you ever been in love

Yata...

Been in love so bad you'd do anything to make them understand

Totoo.

Have you ever had someone steal your heart away

Yes, him.

You'd give anything to make them feel the same

EXACTLY.

Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart but you don't know what to say

Yup.

And you don't know where to start

Yeah...

Have you ever found the one you've dreamed of all of your life

Si ___ nga.

You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes

Hay...

Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to

Siya.

Only to find that one won't give their heart to you

Ayaw niya eh.

Have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there

Every fucking day.

And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care

Lagi nalang...

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby

Anu nga ba?

What do I gotta say to get to your heart

Ewan.

To make you understand how I need you next to me

Di ko alam.

Gotta get you in my world 'Cuz baby I can't sleep

...

WALANG PASOK!!!

Okay, it's official. Classes are suspended tomorrow because of...I don't really know. Maybe because of the SONA (State of the Nation Address) or because of the nonstop rain today. Whatever it is, I'm freaking happy about it.

So now I'm watching "Win A Date With Tad Hamilton", a really cheesy chick flick that's so predictable. So "film critics" would say that it's one of the suckiest movies there is, but whateveer. I love it. I live in my own little unrealistic world because the real one sucks, and this movie is just part of the first one.

I wish it were me and LDW...and then we live happily ever after. Woohoo!!!

So I still have half of chapter 16 to finish and it's almost 2 AM. I don't know why, but I get good brainwaves this time of night (though I'm really sleepy right now). I'm excited to finish this thing. A couple of new people actually commented on it and said it was great. I am beyond happy. I hope they read it to the end. I think this is going to be better than alright. I hope so.

Well, more later. I have to fix my thoughts!

Sinking.... In.

Yeah, I know.. I haven't been updating a lot lately. Well, I got in the "Diary Mode" weeks ago, but now, I'm not even in that already.

I don't know why. Maybe the Blogging Bug's bite faded away already... For now, I mean.

Actually, my computer broke down. As in it BROKE DOWN. As if it's ickle heart has been stamped on my some big-ass SuperComputer. I think it got viruse-d because nothing is working, so we got it fixed. They had to reformat it and everything. I lost all the files. Well, I erased everything before giving PC away. Made back up files. A week later, I got it back. I was so damn happy I hugged and kissed it.

Yeah, everyone laughed at me.

You see, PC and I go way back... He got my back when I had loads of projects, papers, research work and stuff... I need him for communication! And of course, he helped me earn a bit, you know. And so I got it back. I was ECSTATIC! I t was weird having to work with Windows 2000. I loved XP. But oh well, better than nothing, right?

My brother and I needed it for work, so we used it. 'Twas great. I decided to let it rest 'coz the cd burning was getting a bit funky (broke like, 25 dvds man. not cool). And when I turned it on again... WHACK. Doesn't work anymore. So today, we had to ship it back to the repair shop.. :(

Anyway, this is, I feel, uninteresting read for people out there. AM I right? Yeah, I can hear y'all agreeing. So.. Here's some juicy stuff. Now, this is just for this time... No repeats. Haha! I don't pour out my soul in cyberspace.

There's this guy... I have a huge crush on him. He has this wonderful shy smile, and he's really respectful. He's such a boy next door, and obviously a really nice guy. But we never really talked. Just, you know, hi and hello. I really want him to talk to me. I want him to take the initiative to talk to me. Haha! But hey, I'm just one of the lowly "normal" people. If I was like, a supermodel, he'd talk to me... :(

Ice Cream!!!

Been a long time, huh?

I'm craving for ice cream right now. Ice cream sundae. Ice cream cake. Ice cream sandwich. Dirty ice cream. Anything ice cream.

It's Halloween in 3 days, and I'm super enxcited! I guess my dreams of trick or treating isn't gonna come true this year. Oh well. I'm in the Philippines after all so...I shouldn't expect anything. Besides, my friends will be in other places like uh... Wherever. Resorts and stuff. So there's no one there.

Maybe I should ask other people.

Now, there's this question I've been pondering about for the past 2 days.

How can you know for sure, that you're in love, and not just extremely infatuated with a person?

Well, that's it for now.

Gonna look for ghost stuff on tv. :)

Well...

Nothing.

I saw Armageddon (the movie) awhile ago... and I cried.

If someone were really brave like the character of Bruce Willis in that movie... then we'd be saved.

And I love the soundtracks: I don't wanna miss a thing by Aerosmith and Leaving on a jet plane by Chantal Kreviazuk. (not sure of the spelling of her name)

After that, I came across this thriller in Star Movies.

The guy who turned out to be the psycho was really cute.

He looked so neat and nice and preppy with his neat hair and eyeglasses.

I really dig guys who wear glasses...

Harry?

Hmm...

I still dig Cedric more. :)

Of course, not Dumbledore.

I wanna see the Corpse Bride.

Maybe later.

It's like Beetlejuice. I love that movie. Anybody seen Beetlejuice? It's a very Halloween-y movie.

I wanna see lots of movies.

But I have to save up for HP4 premier tickets.

The thing is...

There's this guy.

I texted him. We haven't seen each other in months. I saw him in a newspaper. I texted him.

Didn't think he would text back, but he did.

It started from like, 7pm.

Ended at 2am.

I didn't think he'd be awake 'til that hour.

He's such a nice guy.

Really nice.

And cute.

But still...

It's not him.

But I'm not refusing... ;)

Why is it that...

The one that you want

Isn't the one

That's there?

I miss him.

I miss him.

I miss him.

Nagpaparinig lang...

"Secret Love"

Just a friend

That’s all I’ve ever been to you

Oh just a girl

Who wants to be the center of your world

But I ain’t got much to offer

But my heart and soul

And I guess that’s not enough

For you to notice me

I’m just a girl

And I guess that’s all I’ll ever be to you

I try to smile when I see other girls with you

Acting like everything is ok

But ohh

You don’t know how it feels to be so in love

With someone who doesn’t even know

My secret love

In my dreams

I see us both together constantly

Why can’t you see

This love that’s here for you inside of me

Ohhh

What do I have to do

For you to notice this

You look at her with love

With me it’s just friendship

I’m just your girl

And I guess that’s all I’ll ever be to you

What do you see in her

You don’t see in me (don’t see in me)

Boy you’re so hard to believe

Why do you show her love

But there’s none for me

Boy you don’t make sense to me

Cause I don’t have much to offer

But my heart and soul

And I guess that’s not enough

For you to notice me

I’m just your girl

And I guess that’s all I’ll ever be to you

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If "Obvious" by Westlife, for me, is a perfect song for...you know...him... then I found the perfect-est song EVER. It hits the nail on the head. I feel exactly exactly exactly like this. Everything is exactly like this. As in.

And I bet if he gets to read this post, he'll think I was talking about someone else...how manhid could you be?! But..... I miss him so much......! :(

The Tracks of My Tears

People say I'm the life of the party'cause

I tell a joke or two

Although I might be laughing loud and hearty

Deep inside I'm blue

So take a good look at my face

You'll see my smile looks out of place

If you look closer, it's easy to trace

The tracks of my tears..

I need you, need you

Since you left me if you see me with another girl

Seeming like I'm having fun

Although she may be cute

She's just a substitute

Because you're the permanent one..

So take a good look at my face

You'll see my smile looks out of place

If you look closer, it's easy to trace

The tracks of my tears..

I need you, need you

Outside I'm masquerading

Inside my hope is fading

Just a clown oh yeah

Since you put me down

My smile is my make upI wear since my break up with you..

So take a good look at my face

You'll see my smile looks out of place

If you look closer, it's easy to trace

The tracks of my tears

Status Messages

"do you remember how it was? when we never seemed to care. the days went by so quickly, 'coz i thought you'd always be there. and it's hard to let you go, though i know that i must try. i feel like i've been cheated, 'coz we never said goodbye. will u w8 4 me?" ~minisignal

"think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye... remember me, once in a while, just tell me that you'll try... & if you find that once again you want to take your heart back and be free... if you ever have a moment, spare a thought for me..." ~fujingirl

" i almost forgot to say something else and i can't fit it in so i kept it to myself...almost had you but i guess that doesn't cut it... almost had you and i didn't even know it...almost hated you... almost..." ~blue_scarlet_18

"couldn't sleep tonight, wondering if you're alright... my feelings i fight... a noose around my neck, so tight..." ~fuzzybaboy

Chinese History

Yep, that's our exam for tomorow. I have three testpapers to study and three pages of notes... And I absolutely have to get 90+ here, or else the grade in my card would drop... Argh! I hate this! There'll be no sleeping again later. I'll start at 7pm... I'll have dinner first! :) Anyways, today is the second day of my last week of studying in Saint Jude Catholic School. I don't wanna think about leaving... Every exam, there's always something, a question or something, about our graduating. And everytime, I feel my eyes water. I'm not emotional, but yeah, it's this time of my life... another step, another door to close, another world to conquer. I don't show what I feel, unless I want to, but most of the time I don't. Like sometimes, I'm really proud of my friends or I'm really happy about something, I just keep quiet. But there are times that I go all hyper and stuff! But I don't show that much emotion... I bet right now, my friends don't know how much I love them and how sad I am to have to part with them. This would be the most bittersweet summer I'll ever have. And then there's him... I saw him again today. (Duh, he's my classmate...) He looks funny. Haha! I wish I could tell him... I really do. But we had this activity last time when we were supposed to have a minute with each of our classmate and tell them how we feel about them. And when I was face to face with him, nothing... How could I say it?! He'll run away, as far as possible, from me. Because she is beautiful and I'm not, and no matter how hard I try, no matter how pacute or how "sweet" I get, she's still beautiful, and I'm not. That's why I was ecstatic when he said that i'm pretty. I think he only said that because he's being nice, but, just let me assume here... Let me pretend that for one moment, I looked pretty in his eyes. This is so pathetic. Why am I typing this anyway?! Lishr, here I come!