burning in HELL

This is like, the worst day ever. I hate my life. Ok, not all of it but... I just HATE HATE HATE school!!! I know I've said this before, but believe me, I've never meant it this much.

I just want to thank LINKIN PARK for coming up with the song IN THE END because it's the perfect soundtrack for my life. And next in line is HARI NG SABLAY by Sugarfree (tama ba?)

"I've tried so hard and got so far
In the end it doesn't even matter"

This morning, I was almost late for FIlipino class. I got inside the classroom just in time for the teacher to call my name, roll call. So, good timing isn't it? The makings of a pretty ok day.

DEAD WRONG!!!

So it was the day of our reporting. We're supposed to analyze a short story, do psychoanalysis on the characters or view it in a Marxist way or whatever. So there. I spent like, an hour last night deciphering all these context stuff and all that deep stuff that I felt my brain liquify. I wrote it in a 1 whole piece of paper, because my printer's not working. I planned on just handing it to whoever's gonna be picked for reporting.

It goes like this. So we're a group, right. And the teacher is gonna pull out a name from an envelope. Whoever's name that is is gonna be a reporter for his/her group. So in short, our grades rely on that single person. A week ago, I was praying not to get picked. I really hate speaking in front of people. I get so tongue-tied and my hands get really cold and I just babble endlessly, not making snese at all. But I really prepared for this report. I knew what I was supposed to say. Our prof was looking for all that deep shit in out reports, and I dug and dug into the story until I unearthed all the deep stuff that he wanted us to report about. I really need to get an A in this report, it's 40 items for goodness' sake. I got an F in the advisory marks because of our...let's just say, out former prof. Someone might come across this blog and have it broadcasted school-wide like what happened to that poor girl who dissed the priests of our school. Nothing's safe anymore. No freedom of speech, I tell ya. Better write down the vital thoughts in a real diary.

So anyway, I was kinda relieved when I wasn't called for reporting. But I was worried because the groupmate of mine who was to report said he couldn't do it, that he didn't know what to say. I don't want to point fingers here. It's not his fault. The thing that pissed me off was that our prof was sooo grouchy this morning. Ok, if you're a prof, you should be patient, right? You should understand your students, help them learn. What our prof did was while my groupmate was reporting, he stood up, walked to the window and looked outside, as if he was in his own house with nothing to do. And then as if that's not enough to make us all uncomfortable, he even went out of the classroom and walked along the corridors. While my groupmate was reporting. I mean, please, teachers are supposed to be examples for us, role models. Doesn't he know what the meaning of the word RUDE means? His excuse for hus really really really rude behaviour was that he didn't understand a thing of our report. Well, yeah, I know our report sucked, but will you please show a little respect? I mean, if he was explaining something and I couldn't understand it and I suddenly stand up and look outside the window, he's probably get mad right and kick me out of the classroom. And probably fail me. I mean, we are all anxious about our grades because almost the whole class got F's in the advisory marks. Please show a little patience towards us. We may have sucked, yes, but we're sucky reporters who have feeling too, you know.

I liked him pa naman. Our prof, I mean. He was a good teacher. He explained everything to us. I understood his lessons unlike our previous prof, whom he replaced. But that thing he did today. That was just... I don't wanna say it. I'm just so mad. Ok, so my groupmate was a little off, but the prof is supposed to be the more mature of the two, and so is supposed to be the one who'll give, who'll understand. But NO. He just walked around, insulting us. I was thinking that if that were me reporting, I would've done a bit better. But I didn't have the chance. And our prof treated us like we're some dog poo he stepped on the sidewalk and impatiently wiped off on the concrete. I had a really really bad day. I didn't feel so good after that first period. I have this strong feeling that I'm gonna have to take up this same subject next semester. I didn't function very well after that period. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep and just let eveything go.

The bad thing is, we have our 4th Math long test that afternoon.

So I went to the library, still tulala because of what happened. I fell asleep around 9:30, woke up at 10. Some big guy bumped my table really hard it made me jump. But it was an accident. God's little way of waking me up, because believe me, I almost didn't have the intention to wake up. I was sooo depressed. I still am. So there, studied for 2 hours. I reviewed last night. I analyzed the solutions, how to do things, the patterns and stuff. Once I know how to do it, I'll pass.

BUT NOOOOOOOO...

I think it's the devil's birthday today or something because everything just went downhill. Down, down, down, until the deepest level of hell. So there, I sat in my Math class, nervous yet feeling alright. The questionairres came along and....

SHIT.

I didn't know how to do anything. There were 20 numbers for multiple choice, 4 points each. I wildly guessed about 10 of those because I was out of time. The remaining 20 points was for problem solving. I don't know what I did. As long as I came up with an answer then it's good enough.

I probably flunked that test. There goes my dream of getting a B. Or even a C+.

MY LIFE SUCKS.

I'm wishing to get hit by a lightning and die.

I wish I was in some other world, you know? Why wasn't I born into the HP world. I wish I was just a character in those books. At least my life would have adventure and I can swish and flick my wand and make things appear. And they don't have to do Math and those analyzing shit! Except if you're trying to be Hermione.

-BER Months

It's already the middle of the first -BER month of the year.

Time flies by too quickly. I feel like I couldn't catch up to it. It seems like just awhile ago, I was sitting in 4-A classroom with my head stuck inside the cabinet beside me, asleep. Now, here I am, almost done with my first term in college. 4 weeks to go!

I love the -BER months. One reason is because the weather gets colder during these months. Like today, I was able to wear my polo-in-sweater thing. I look good with a collar. =) It was cool enough not to make me perspire, unlike last week, I wore the same thing and I almost died of heat.

Another reason is, OctoBER. I LOOOOVE Halloween! Jack o' lanterns, witches flying over the moon, trick or treat... I just love this holiday. I'm into HP as you can see, so it's like HP galore! I just wish I'd be able to go trick or treating even once in my life. My friends are all planning to go trick or treating this year, but my mom already reserved me for a trip to the province. So yeah. There are real ghosts there. But no candies.

And of course, it's SEMBREAK time! And Christmas break time! Ok, so I'd have no allowance for a month during sembreak. Tough break. I'd have to look for some source of income... Sinong gusto magpasulat ng takhai at siaokhai jan??? 1 month akong walang gagawin!

Last but not the least, there's CHRISTMAS!!! Yehey! My favorite time of the year! I love this Yuletide season! Here in the Philippines, Christmas season starts when the first day of the -BER months arrive! So now, it's technically Christmas season already. My dad even got into the spirit. He asked me to burn Christmas songs CDs for him and he's playing it in the car! It's the first time he's taken an interest on things like that. I mean, I only see/hear Mom playing Christmas songs and really getting into the Christmas Spirit! Isn't it funny? But soo nice.

So of course, what is Christmas without the wishes? Hehehe! So now, I've deviced a pretty conciseWISH LIST... for those who are thinking of sending me a pressie... Hihihi.

Napasabog ko nanaman TV ko!!!!!!

Ang tanga-tanga ko talaga!

Hay nako, nakakapeste talaga! Lahat nalang sira! DVD player ko sira! Parang tanga, ayaw bumukas! Ang laki ng problema nun eh! Tapos kanina naman, pag-uwi ko, siyempre manunuod ako ng tv diba, kelan ba ako hindi nanuod ng tv? So binuksan ko yung transformer, tapos pinindot ko yun power button ng tv.

Wala.

Pagtingin ko, hindi na nakasaksak! Naku po! Eh takot ako sa mga saksakang ganyan! Talaga oo. Kapag bumabagyo talaga, sumasabog tv ko. Dati kasi, like, 5 years ago, nung grade 6 pa ako, panahon ng tagbagyo nun eh. Eh nanunuod ako ng tv. Tapos nag-brown out yata nun. Eh may i-rerecord pa naman ako na tv show. Concert ng BSB yun eh. Oo, corny. Reminder, grade 6 nga ako nun eh. So anyway, ayun, pinag-aalis yata yun mga saksakan o ako yun nag-alis. Di ko na maalala. Grade 6 pa yun eh. Basta nung sinaksak ko na ulit, nasaksak ko sa 220V, eh 110V lang pala yung tv. Ayun.

KABOOM!

Eh kaninang madaling araw, nag-brown out din. Kaso di naman ni Nanay tinanggal sa saksakan yung tv eh kasi nanuod pa siya ng tv nung mga alas sais, tinitingnan kung may pasok ba o wala, Ang lakas kasi ng bagyo kaninang madaling araw eh. Parang hinuhulugan ng malalaking bato yung bubungan namin kaninang madaling araw sa sobrang lakas ng ulan.

Pag-uwi ko, manunuod ako ng tv. Kelan ba ako hindi nanuod ng tv? Kaya binuksan ko yung transformer at pinindot yung power button.

Wala.

Nakita ko na hindi na nakasaksak. Patay. Hindi ko maalala kung ano ba yan, 220V o 110V. Grade 6 panga noong huli kong nalaman eh. So sinubukan ko sa 220V. Binuksan ko yung transformer.

BZZZT!

Nagulat ako, Pinatay ko agad yung transformer. Inamoy amoy ko, baka may amoy sunog na saksakan. Wala naman. Umakyat si Nanay. Sinabi ko sakanya ang tungkol doo. Pinatawag niya si Orig para tingnan. Sinaksak-saksak ni Orig at sinubuksubukang ma-on ang pinakamamahal at ang kaisa-isang ikinabubuhay ko na tv. Wala.

Ayaw na bumukas.

Wala na akong buhay.

Kaya etong computer nalang ang pinagtitripan ko kasi wala na akong ibang buhay. Siguro nangyari yun para maitalaga ang pangako kong tatapusin ko na ang pagbasa sa dalawang nobela para sa Filipino.

Oo na. Mamaya na paggising ko.

2nd World White Band Day ---> TODAY!!!

September 10, 2005 ---> White Band Day 2

Wear a white band wherever you are today and show that YOU CARE!
Help make poverty history!

This is a campaign by the Make Poverty History organization. I texted everyone to wear a white band, even just a simple white ribbon around their wrists to show their support and to remind world leaders meeting today in New York that we're still waiting for them to take action and make poverty history.

Get involved! Click on the link above and join the organization! You don't need to do BIG things. You can help by simply spreading the word about this org or by adding a white band to your website/blog! (See upper right corner of this blog)

What's to come?

Since I started college, I spent more and more time wondering.

• What am I doing here?
• What is it that I have to do?
• Where am I going?
• What will happen to me now?
• What next?

I'm so confused. I'm so bored. I feel like I'm going in circles. Am I the only one that feels this way? Is there someone out there like me?

Sometimes, I think of just stopping. I just want to let this all go. I want to do something else. I'm tired of studying. I'm 18, and I've been studying since I was two. I may not be at the top of the class, but I did manage to get into ADMU, my mom's dream school for me. To tell the truth, I don't want it there. Well, maybe because my close friends aren't there. And although there are a few high school people that I do talk to, I seldom see them. Only twice a week maybe. Or less. I don't know. I just want to stop. I'm tired of all this.

I just want to write.

In The Apprentice, the present season has two teams. One team consists of college graduates, the other is composed of high school graduates. But guess what, the HS grads have higher net worth than that of the college grads. The HS grads are equipped with experience, and that made them successful in life.

I've been thinking of that. If the HS grads in The Apprentice can do it, why can't I? Of course there's also the fact that they're in the USA and I'm in the third world Philippines. Being a college grad isn't even enough here. You have to attend graduate school, maybe even get a PhD to have an edge against all the other applicants for a job.

So that means I have to spend like, six more years of my life studying.

I don't mind studying. It's alright. I was thinking that it's just that, I'm so tired of the routine of my life. Wake up, go to school, go home, eat, watch tv, sleep. Everyday since sixteen years ago, that's what I did. I need a change. Extra curricular stuff? I have those. I'm too lazy to do them, though.

I need a change of setting. I want to be someplace else. Maybe if my parents threw me to London to study, I wouldn't mind. I'd miss a hell of a lot of things from home of course, but at least that'll be a whole new experience. New faces, new places, new things to discover.

Maybe even love? Hmm.

But anyway, as I lay here, trying to understand the video clips assigned to us to watch by our teacher (the audio is just horrible, I can't understand a thing the person in the video says), a quote circles my mind for the hundredth time:

Sometimes, we wish we were someone, wish we were somewhere, wish we had that someone. But sometimes we wish too much that we miss to enjoy who we are, where we are and who we have.

So now I think about it. Maybe I'm just so eager to get out of here that I don't appreciate what I have right now. But I do. I appreciated my home, my family and my friends more. I appreciate the little things like spending even just 5 minutes with my mom and dad, letting my brother stay for a couple more minutes here in my room although I'd really like to be alone already, sending out messages to my friends, just to let them know I remember them even just for a minute. I appreciate getting into this prestigious school. But I just can't shake the feeling that there's something missing. It's like, there's something else I want to do. I see kids like JoJo, Jesse McCartney, Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff. They're all my age, even younger, and they've already made a name for themselves. They've already made their mark in the world. I'm just frustrated with the fact that I'm this old and nothing exciting, nothing special, just plain nothing, no accomplishments whatsoever, has happened to me yet. I've waited since 4th year in high school. I thought, "Yeah, this is my last year in high school, I have to make things happen. And I bet something special will happen this year. There has to be something special. It's my last year." I tried everything. I joined contests and programs and more clubs and of course, the Sportsfest. But what happened? Nothing life-changing. Nothing I can write about that will make people sigh in awe or kahit kiligin man lang sila nang konti.

I'm just a worthless piece of sh*t.

Making Dreams Come True...

Wow, almost a week that I didn't write a new post! Hmm... Busy? Duh, no... Hahaha! I had a long long weekend last week, and that kind of set me in the "vacation" mood because the long weekend started last Thursday... so there. I'm in my vacation mood. Then Friday, my brother went to Mimosa (not sure if that's the right spelling) with his whole barkada, and they stayed there until Sunday. So I got bored last Friday, I went to my bro's room, and looked for DVDs. Nope, there aren't any good ones I haven't watched yet. So... I turned to his VCD collection. As my DVD player isn't working, (it refuses to open its ickle plate thing where you put the cd) I hauled my brother's player from his room to mine.

Success. I managed to connect the new player, wires and all.

So what movie will I watch?

I rummaged through the whole CD case... And I ended up watching Princess Diaries 2, becasuse I was in the mood for "feel good" movies... You know, yung hindi na kailangang mag-isip. Haha! So that's the story behind my weird magical, princessy, fairytale-ish state since Friday. I am soooo weird! I don't know why it took me this long to like fairytales. I'm supposed to be into fairytales when I was...4 or something. But I don't have a favorite Disnay princess like all the other girls, until now. If asked, well... the only fairytale Disney princess movie that I saw was Beauty and the Beast. So I guess I prefer Belle.

Well, it isn't exactly the "prince charming" that I like about it. I'm talking about Princess Diaries 2. Yeah, Lord Nicholas and Duke Andrew Jacoby were two gorgeous guys, but I liked the way of living more. The culture, the formality, the wackiness behind closed doors, the beautiful setting, and of course... the gorgeous outfits!!! Ok, so I know I'll never be like Mia. Duh, I'd have to be royal to have that kind of life. But... well, a girl can dream...

And now, I have to go, so that I can make a more possible dream of mine come true: pass my first term in college!!!!!!

Tell me, who's your favorite Disney princess? Whehehehehe! :p

Nagpaparinig lang...

"Secret Love"

Just a friend

That’s all I’ve ever been to you

Oh just a girl

Who wants to be the center of your world

But I ain’t got much to offer

But my heart and soul

And I guess that’s not enough

For you to notice me

I’m just a girl

And I guess that’s all I’ll ever be to you

I try to smile when I see other girls with you

Acting like everything is ok

But ohh

You don’t know how it feels to be so in love

With someone who doesn’t even know

My secret love

In my dreams

I see us both together constantly

Why can’t you see

This love that’s here for you inside of me

Ohhh

What do I have to do

For you to notice this

You look at her with love

With me it’s just friendship

I’m just your girl

And I guess that’s all I’ll ever be to you

What do you see in her

You don’t see in me (don’t see in me)

Boy you’re so hard to believe

Why do you show her love

But there’s none for me

Boy you don’t make sense to me

Cause I don’t have much to offer

But my heart and soul

And I guess that’s not enough

For you to notice me

I’m just your girl

And I guess that’s all I’ll ever be to you

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If "Obvious" by Westlife, for me, is a perfect song for...you know...him... then I found the perfect-est song EVER. It hits the nail on the head. I feel exactly exactly exactly like this. Everything is exactly like this. As in.

And I bet if he gets to read this post, he'll think I was talking about someone else...how manhid could you be?! But..... I miss him so much......! :(

I got TAGGED!

Tea... tsk. Pinasahan mo pa ako ng pagkakaabalahan. Hehehe! Anyway, I think this is a cute game! :) And because I'm in the mood right now, though I'm famished, I'll answer these questions.

What are the things you enjoy even when no one around you wants to go out and play?
--> Well... I'm not really the "go out and play" type of person. I always want to just stay home and stay under my covers. My brother even asked me how I could survive just being in my room for weeks. Haha! That's my talent. ;) Well, the things I enjoy doing are...

1. TV - can't live wothout TV. I watch cartoons mostly because they're very relaxing.
2. Watch a Movie - not in the cinemas. I just go and rummage through ny brother's DVD collection and pick a movie. Call me corny, but if I do want to relax, I watch teeny-bopper movies like What a Girl Wants, Princess Diaries... those kind of movies. They're really cute and they got that kilig factor. Masarap lang sila panoorin kasi di na kelangan mag-isip! Gets kaagad!
3. Read a Book - Yup. Pareho kami ni Tea. Hahaha! Especially last summer, I read like, almost 20 books. I like chick-lit. Ok, so their intelligence level is like, nil, but reading to learn is done in school. For me, when I read at home, it's not to increase me IQ but it's for enjoyment and relaxation. There's enough brain-wrecking reading assignments in school!
4. the Net - my routine. But sometimes, I just go and look for different websites, download music, konting soundtrip, update my blog, chat sa YM, all those things. Minsan read HP fics. Hahahaha I'm such an addict.
5. Eat - of course, the movie gets better if you munch on something! Like me, there are emotional eaters out there... And well, food is a comforting agent for us. So I eat.
6. SLEEP - people who know me know that I sleep A LOT. As in I sleep in school, when I get home I sleep, in the car I sleep, at night of course I sleep, whatever chance I get, I sleep. I'm a very very sleepy person. Hehehe! When I wake up, everything looks better na. :)

What lowers your stress/ blood pressure/ anxiety level?
--> I don't really know... but there's one thing that makes me feel better.

1. SLEEP.

Need i say more? I don't know, but sleep helps me a lot. If I feel like shit, I sleep, and then when I wake up, everything feels better. When I get scared, I sleep, then everything feels better. Like in the forst days of college, I was sooo sooo sooo sad, I missed everyone sooo bad, and so I go home, I feel like shit, I just go straight to my room and sleep. Para bang sa iba, kung may problema, inuman sila. Ako, kung may problema, itutulog ko nalang! Kahit mga 1 hr lang, paggising ko ok na. Weird ba? Hehehe!

Well, sometimes it's food. Chocolate. Or ice cream.

Ayan, ang haba na! Hehehe! So I'm gonna tag... Mysh! :)

A Year Ago...

As I was about to close my eyes last night, I did my routine last check on my cellphone, see if anyone wanted to say goodnight...(hmm, may hinihintay....yihee! c mysh lang. hahaha!) I was glad to see that at least one person remembered me tonight. I thought it was just the same old corny (but funny) jokes, but it was not. I stopped and took in the message.

"One year ago na yung retreat natin. Remember, August 3? I miss you guys."

Those weren't the exact words, but it brought back that nostalgic feeling again. I couldn't believe it. Our retreat, our beloved retreat. That was already a year ago? I kind of felt guilty that I forgot the date. Time's passing by so fast; everything's a blur. I'm already 18, but I still forget. Hehehehe! Anyway, yeah. It didn't really sink in last night, because I was already very sleepy.

Around 9 am awhile ago, free cut in Filipino! So as always, I went to the library to do math. After solving a few problems, my mind drifted away to that message from last night. The same feeling swept over me, and I couldn't go on manipulating the numbers in front of me. I took out my mobile phone. I needed to remind everyone as Mysh did. I needed to know if they felt the same way, that I wasn't the only one looking really dumb, sitting in the library, Math book in front of me, crying my eyes out. Ok, I exaggerated that. But I got really misty-eyed. So I texted the 4-A people. A couple of replies later, well, it didn't exactly make me feel better. They made me miss them even more. But I was happy. They did remember, and even though some only replied something like, "Yah.", I knew that later on today, when they're alone and everything is quiet, they'll remember those three wonderful days of bonding and reflection. May konting drama pa at the start, remember guys? :)

Flashback, August 4, 2004...around this time...

It's dinner time! Everyone's tired already, we just finished out diad part 2. Yep, ghost hunting later, guys. Don't forget the flashlights! What's for dinner? Kim, special meal again? Ok, ako na kakain ng brocolli mo. Walang tulugan mamaya ah! Anu ba yan, picture picture nanaman! I left my camera upstairs again. Too lazy to get it. Makikipicture nalang ako, parecopy nalang ha. Oi ha parecopy ha! Sa amin ka nalang magpadevelope hehe may discount ka! Uy Kim, kainin na natin yun KFC sa taas baka langgamin. Pajama daw tayo lahat mamaya. Pajama party! Shet, may dala ba akong matinong pajama?!?!?! Nasan na si Sarah? Ayun. Porman, tama na kain. Last night na natin 'to ha walang tulugan! Kwentuhan nalang tayo. Oi, wag kayong mang-iwan nakakatakot sa stairs ang dilim dilim! Sige, bihis lang kami, kita tayo maya!

SJ Peeps!!!

Ang pagkakaalam ko supposedly "softball" daw ang mga kasali sa pic nato... hmm... bakit kaya may mga na-extra? Hehehe joke lang guys, I LOVE YOU!!!