What's to come?

Since I started college, I spent more and more time wondering.

• What am I doing here?
• What is it that I have to do?
• Where am I going?
• What will happen to me now?
• What next?

I'm so confused. I'm so bored. I feel like I'm going in circles. Am I the only one that feels this way? Is there someone out there like me?

Sometimes, I think of just stopping. I just want to let this all go. I want to do something else. I'm tired of studying. I'm 18, and I've been studying since I was two. I may not be at the top of the class, but I did manage to get into ADMU, my mom's dream school for me. To tell the truth, I don't want it there. Well, maybe because my close friends aren't there. And although there are a few high school people that I do talk to, I seldom see them. Only twice a week maybe. Or less. I don't know. I just want to stop. I'm tired of all this.

I just want to write.

In The Apprentice, the present season has two teams. One team consists of college graduates, the other is composed of high school graduates. But guess what, the HS grads have higher net worth than that of the college grads. The HS grads are equipped with experience, and that made them successful in life.

I've been thinking of that. If the HS grads in The Apprentice can do it, why can't I? Of course there's also the fact that they're in the USA and I'm in the third world Philippines. Being a college grad isn't even enough here. You have to attend graduate school, maybe even get a PhD to have an edge against all the other applicants for a job.

So that means I have to spend like, six more years of my life studying.

I don't mind studying. It's alright. I was thinking that it's just that, I'm so tired of the routine of my life. Wake up, go to school, go home, eat, watch tv, sleep. Everyday since sixteen years ago, that's what I did. I need a change. Extra curricular stuff? I have those. I'm too lazy to do them, though.

I need a change of setting. I want to be someplace else. Maybe if my parents threw me to London to study, I wouldn't mind. I'd miss a hell of a lot of things from home of course, but at least that'll be a whole new experience. New faces, new places, new things to discover.

Maybe even love? Hmm.

But anyway, as I lay here, trying to understand the video clips assigned to us to watch by our teacher (the audio is just horrible, I can't understand a thing the person in the video says), a quote circles my mind for the hundredth time:

Sometimes, we wish we were someone, wish we were somewhere, wish we had that someone. But sometimes we wish too much that we miss to enjoy who we are, where we are and who we have.

So now I think about it. Maybe I'm just so eager to get out of here that I don't appreciate what I have right now. But I do. I appreciated my home, my family and my friends more. I appreciate the little things like spending even just 5 minutes with my mom and dad, letting my brother stay for a couple more minutes here in my room although I'd really like to be alone already, sending out messages to my friends, just to let them know I remember them even just for a minute. I appreciate getting into this prestigious school. But I just can't shake the feeling that there's something missing. It's like, there's something else I want to do. I see kids like JoJo, Jesse McCartney, Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff. They're all my age, even younger, and they've already made a name for themselves. They've already made their mark in the world. I'm just frustrated with the fact that I'm this old and nothing exciting, nothing special, just plain nothing, no accomplishments whatsoever, has happened to me yet. I've waited since 4th year in high school. I thought, "Yeah, this is my last year in high school, I have to make things happen. And I bet something special will happen this year. There has to be something special. It's my last year." I tried everything. I joined contests and programs and more clubs and of course, the Sportsfest. But what happened? Nothing life-changing. Nothing I can write about that will make people sigh in awe or kahit kiligin man lang sila nang konti.

I'm just a worthless piece of sh*t.