Still sleepy, and I have to stay in school the whole day today. 10:30am-7:30pm! Goodness. And I've only had like, 4 hours of sleep. Hmm. Maybe after this post I'll catch a 30-minute nap. I can't do proper research with my head like this: numb and refusing to function.
I wish I'd have a full hour of inspiration. You know, one where it'd just hit me and I'd finish a ton of work in that span of time. 'Coz right now it's just...blah. I wanna finish everything, but it's like nothing's coming out...
So anyway, I promised myself yesterday that I'm gonna be miserable only until last night. (The last couple of posts would give you a hint of what I'm talking about) From today on, I'm not gonna care about that anymore. It's just... too much. It's too much to handle right now, especially with all the panic of finishing the thesis and racing to pull up my grades before the semester ends, which only has a month and two weeks left in it. I'm excited as well as terrified right now, the former because it's gonna be sembreak soon, the latter because the defense date is coming fast. So I don't think I can take any more agony. I might have a nervous breakdown. If it happens, it happens. I don't care anymore. Bahala na. Bahala na rin siya. I'm just gonna get on up and try to be a good student and get my grades up and enjoy the last days of my college life.
I'm still sick of being single but what am I gonna do? Maybe I'm just destined to be alone forever. Maybe I'm just repulsive, I don't know. Some ask me why being single bothers me so much. They tell me there's no need to hurry because I'm still young, etc. Some, who are also single, ask me the same thing. They can't understand me because they're single like me, no boyfriend since birth too, but it doesn't really bother them.
Well, it's not that I'm desperate or that I have some sort of deadline to meet. It's just that after falling in-like with someone and not have those feelings reciprocated hurts. To have that happen to me three times in the span of 8 years simply tells me that there is something innately unlikeable about me. Or maybe I'm just placed into this world to be everybody's friend and nothing more. And it also doesn't help that I've got friends (really close friends, more like sisters really, whom I love to bits) who, when they get a crush on someone, eventually that someone will like them back. That happens to them all the time. So combine all of those reasons and you'd get what I feel. But the most painful thing of all is hoping. Because at some point, when you like someone so much, you begin to hope that the feeling is mutual. You'd wish it were. I mean, it could be, right? It happens to other people (i.e. my friends) so it's actually possible in this world to have one person return another person's feelings. And then it doesn't happen. So the only conclusion I could derive from my experience is that there is something seriously wrong with me, that's why I'm 21 and single since birth.
However, a line from Lifehouse's Whatever It Takes goes like this:
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me
I do love myself. That's what I think anyway. Maybe I should love myself more.
F this whole thing. I'm sick of it. I'm beginning to think falling in love is overrated. F it all, I'm going back to bed. Screw the meeting.
