Dawn

It's almost dawn, and I'm still awake. Yeah, I've got some sort of sleeping problem.

I used to really like staying up 'til the wee hours of the day, just like now. There's nothing to watch on tv, but nothing stops me from watching anyway. I like it because in these hours, there's total silence. There are no cars driving by the street below. There are no people passing by noisily. Everybody in the house is asleep. I feel like I've got the world to myself. It feels great. There's no one to disturb me. It's just me and the tv, or me and my journal. I love writing on my journal during this time of day. It's like, I can meditate better on my life's happenings. It's so peaceful, so tranquil. And there's like a different side of me that comes out, one that is more meditative, one that is more reflective.

Five months ago, everything changed. I just want to spend all my time sleeping now. People say that I already have a sleep disorder. Trust me, I don't. I just like to sleep a lot. Sleep helps me escape from this world. If it brings me to fairy tale land or nightmare kingdom, I don't care, as long as it's somewhere else.

It was fun having a month of bumming. And now that month is almost over, I wonder where it has gone. I can't believe that a month has already passed by, yet nothing has happened, nothing has changed. A month is a long time, yet everything's the same. I'm still fat, I still am here, and I'm still missing high school. And I have no story whatsoever yet. So much for Nanowrimo.

Is time getting faster? Are the days getting shorter as the years go by? Is it just me, or do you feel it too? I mean, I had a month's break, and it felt like I just closed by eyes for a minute, and I wake up and a month's gone by already. I had a to do list for this break, and I don't think I accomplished even a single task. Why is a month so quick? Days were longer when I was younger. Was it because I was not yet aware of the time? I had so much time back then. Now I just want to stop time, just pause everything, and look around. See where my life is going. What everything means. What all these are for.

There's always the future that I worry about.

It's so hard to keep up with things, especially with people. I came from a very secluded school, and now I'm thrown into this huge hole where everyone is so...different. I've come across vocal people back in SJ, but now, vocal takes on a whole new meaning. I loved working with people back then. I admit, I'm a very lazy person, but I liked staying after school. It's like extra time for me to chat with friends, hang out, do some pranks, have a laugh, and actually accomplish something. I admit I want to get back home right after school back then, but today, I don't even want to leave the house. I look forward to going home. And when I'm home, I only think about the time that I'll be home the next day.

Don't worry, college is different for everybody. I see some of my batchmates are actually having the time of their lives, like they finally found home. Well, it's just them. I'm a quiet person. I do get chatty, but I'm a thoroughly quiet person. I value very much my alone time. I'm not a party person, and I'm terrified of public speaking. I'm not very opinionated, and I tend to just blend with the background. I don't really like being in the limelight. I just want to get through without being noticed. But someday, I also want to be famous. I mean, celebrities have it easy for them. Yeah, I know they say it's hard, blah, because they don't have privacy and blah, but they have it easy for them. First of all, they've got truckloads of cash. If they grow fat, they can just go have liposuction. If they get tired of the world, they could just hop on a plane to Tahiti or somewhere to relax. They don't have to save months and months of allowance just to have enough money to buy Christmas gifts. They don't have to worry about what's going to happen in their lives. I mean, if they get tired of acting, they can just sing (even if they can't) and vice versa. Or maybe have their own perfumes or clothing lines or record companies. They can just hang out. No need to study. Yeah, stars do study too, but they don't exactly need to finish anything. Take the Olsen twins for example. They have their own firm, or company, or whatever. And they had that when? When they were 15 or 16? I'm 18 and I do not have a penny to my name.

When I was younger, I always wondered what it was like being 18. It must be so cool, I thought. I can drive, I can drink. It's the legal age! I can even get married if I wanted to. I've always thought of 18 as the ultimate age. It's like, the year when my life changes, where something big will happen to me, like in the movies or something. In movies like Chasing Liberty, American Pie, etc, the characters turned 18 and they started doing all these stuff, like escaping to a foreign country or go on a vacation somewhere cool with no parent supervision. They party. And eventually end up with the cute guy. And have lots of fun. I've been 18 for almost 4 months and yet nothing remotely close to that has happened to me.

There's gotta be something out there.

I can't wait to get out of here. I wanna go someplace else. And yet, I wanna stay home forever. Isn't that weird? I wanna be in another country, but I want to just stay here in my room as well. Oh my twisted twisted mind.

And so the time has come for the cars to start clambering around the street below. The peace has gone. Hay. That's why I don't like not being able to sleep during this time of day. My brain won't shut up. Thoughts, mostly really sad thoughts, come dancing around my mind.

I can't wait when all this is over.