Growing Up and Knowing It

I've been going through my old posts in the past hours... And, well, it was kind of weird and funny at the same time how I find my posts of three years ago really childish. Not childish in a bad way. I mean, I really noticed the difference of how I would've addressed a particular issue now than how I addressed it then. I can't believe three years would bring that much change in me. I've actually matured. Ha. Really weird. 'Coz I still feel like I'm 16. But somehow... something has changed.

I don't know. Every day I get up and have no idea what to do. All I know is I have to get to school, sit through all my classes, get home, and prepare for the next day of school. It gets boring, but the ritual is comforting. It's stability. Or I'm in a rut. I don't know. But I have to stay like this for two more years. I'm not any wiser about life than I am three years ago... Or I think I'm not. I don't know. I still screw up more than half the time, and I still get scared every day that I might fail, not only in my schoolwork, but fail from fulfilling my dreams, too.

It's really scary, being average. I don't know if I've got the energy to be more. I've tried, but then I get lazy. I know, I know, it's that. But it's just... I get so tired. Tired of it all. Tired of... I don't know what. Just everything. Every day I get home from school and I just am that tired even on Wednesdays when I only have two hours of class. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed by the demands of this semester. I tell myself I can do it. I tell myself I have to do it because I have no other choice. Quitting is not an option. But it's terrifying to face when all I see is failure looming ahead.

Volleyball gets me dark and poetic, doesn't it? I really hate it. I suck. I've never had to worry about sports before. Never. It's just this once, and it's bothering the hell out of me. What's worse is that the grade for P.E. isn't even included in the computation of our QPI/GPA. But if I fail it, I have to repeat it. And I'll never live down the humiliation of being crap and stupid enough to have to repeat P.E. It's just that degrading. I'm doing my best. Everything I can. I just don't know what more to do. A miracle, maybe, would be a big help.

But my S.A. exam as proof, maybe I can be more than what I think I can be. It's just that it's really scary not knowing what's coming. I just resign to the fact that I'm average and I can't compete with the above average people. I used to be excellent, but those days have passed me by. It makes things more bitter now. Makes me hopeless most of the time.

I'm two years away from getting shoved into the real world. How would I survive? I wish there'd be a handbook. 100 Best Tips on Surviving Here on Earth. How to Save Your Ass When Shit Happens. Something like that. Scotch Tape and Glue Gun: How to Piece Together Your World That Fell Apart.

I'm pretty savvy with titles.

So now I embark on another mission: watch Fantastic 4 and read the last three issues of the Superman/Batman comics.

I'll deal with reality tomorrow.