History

"Ang ating nakaraan ang humubog sa atin upang maging kung sino tayo sa kasalukuyan."

Of course. Without the past, there would be no present. We talked about this awhile ago.

We were asked to make a timeline of our past experiences and decisions that led us to where we are today. An explanation of our work followed.

It didn't occur to me that we had to really delve into the bottommost parts of our souls to make that timeline. So I did the really basic thing. I started from my birth, and then I got to elementary. I almost transferred to another school, but I decided later that I wanted to stay in SJCS, so I did. I studied well, so I passed several entrance exams. I couldn't decided between two universities. So I decided to follow my mom's advice and went into ADMU. After being depressed my whole first year there, I finally "saw the light" and have never been happier. (well, yes, but that's another thing) So now, I have close friends, and we decided to apply for this leadership program, and here I am. The End.

As I listened to my other groupmates' sharing, I began to feel stupid and shallow because they incorporated really private personal things in their explanations like their "special someones" and specific high school tragedies. They really poured their hearts out. Damn me and my reservations. I felt like I came across as an ogre in an NSTP shirt.

Even though virtually nobody, not even my group mates, will be able to read this, I decided to do justice to my timeline's explanation. It isn't much, but it's worth jotting down.

Okay, so I was born. Yes, I'm a jolly little kid. I was baptized a Catholic, and I entered a Catholic school. The line goes up because as I child, I didn't have that much problems. I viewed everything with rose-tinted glasses. I was confident back then. I didn't mind the flabs, although they made me cry for several occasions.

Teenhood started, and so did the insecurities. But the line still went up, because it was this time when I met my friends, sisters of the blood. (it sounds creepy, right?) What I mean is that I feel like we are really sisters, my friends and I. I should've made the lines go up and down, zigzaggy, because it was a bit of a turbulent time. Hurtful rumors, backstabbing, and spiteful comments surfaced I felt like I was in a tug-of-war and I'm the rope. By late high school, the waves of friendship calmed down, but my studies was a disaster zone. I wasn't flunking; the pressure was killing me. I broke a couple of times, but I picked myself up and went on. I had no choice. If I didn't get a move on right then, life would go and without me. It resulted to severe mood swings. They told me that it was as if I was menopausal. But I had a great senior year.

Blessings showered. I got accepted to my mom's dream college for me, ADMU, and several others. I had a hard time deciding where to go. I didn't want to conform to my cousins' tradition of going to DLSU. My family needed variety. I'm giving it to them. At the same time, I didn't want to be away from my friends. I considered going to UST.

I'm not really sure why, maybe it's because I wanted to please my mom, make her dreams for me come true, or because I just wanted to pursue the opposite of my cousins, or maybe it's this divine voice somewhere inside that told me. I secured my slot in ADMU the day after graduation.

The first days of first year was hell. It only took a snap of the fingers to make me cry. I missed my friends so much, and I thought about transferring to DLSU every single day. I voiced that out to my friends, and they told me to go ahead. The more the merrier! But still, the divine voice was resilient. It told me that I was meant to be in ADMU. It didn't say why. But I remained. I got through it, a bit shaken and stirred, but still fighting. Summer was a blast. Bum days went by. I visited my friends a lot. I didn't want it to end.

I didn't do much the previous school year because I felt really low, like I didn't measure up to these round-the-clock English-speaking people. Pinoy ako, matigas ang Tagalog ko. Kahit utot ko Tagalog ang wika. I wasn't accustomed to rapid translations in my brain. I really felt small and slow, like my brain, compared to theirs, was only of a sea slug's. I didn't want to be with them back then, I didn't feel good enough. But during the summer, I reflected and got to the conclusion that this is the time to do everything I want. Every stepping stone to success is just around the campus, and if I don't take hold of those, then my dreams would just remain dreams.
Alas, the time came when I had to go back to the nest of the Blue Eagle. Clutching a newly formed resolution, I braved the forest once more. I had no choice. I had to go back. No company would take a person with a degree of MasKom (mas komportable sa bahay).

I put a lot of effort to blending in. I banished my aloof tendencies. Instead, I sacrificed precious sleeping time to be with my friends. I went along with them to eat, leaving my usual library seat empty. I thought that being alone was better than being with other people. What a pleasant surprise it was when slowly, I got to know them, and got closer. Now, sleeping in the library was only a second choice. I've never been happier.

Still, the question remains. Why am I in this university? What am I supposed to do here? Quality education can be found in many different places, but why did I feel like I was meant to be here? While walking from a class to somewhere else (my episodic memory is failing me), it suddenly hit me.

"Men and Women for and with others"

Helping is a great passion of mine. I don't even want to call it "charity" because there's a sort of notion that the "charitable" person is far more superior to the "charity case". I just want to call it "helping out". I believe that every child in this country, or even the world, deserves what I have. I want them to experience the lightness of life, a part that they, sadly, never tasted. I just want to give as much children as I can better education. I just want them to finish college and get a job and help their family out. This belief has been in me for the longest time, and I've just realized it. This is the reason why I'm here. This institution will help me work on that passion. God had already given me the answer. It was here all along. It just took me a little longer to ask the question, and realize that the question has already been answered.

With that, I bid you goodbye.

As a last request, please take a little time to visit this website.

World Vision Organization Philippines---->Helping another is just a click away.

Three Day Break---> SALAMAT!!!

It's the start of my three-day break that I've been waiting for for two weeks...

Thank Goodness!!!

But no, it's not gonna be all fun fun fun this weekend, though. I've already got a list of things to do. Notes to make, articles to read, research to...search for? Wha? Okay, my brain isn't working that weel...It's almost 2 am and I'm really tired. I've been staying in school until 6 pm this whole week (except Tuesday). Orgs, group consultations, more org stuff...

Stress is killing me.

Right now, we've got an abundant supply of green tea because my dad was given a ton of them as presents. My brother and I have been chugging gallons of tea like it's water. I'm expecting to have a better complexion and an improved digestive system in a month. Green tea has antioxidants, right? Yeah.

A prof of mine asked the class the other day, if this was a perfect world, what would you be doing right now?

Well, my answer would be... If this was a perfect world, I would've been the one who wrote Harry Potter! Haha! I'd be J.K. Rowling, except that I'd be me, and look like Angelina Jolie with a Brad of mine. I'd also be helping out in Africa or here, in the Philippines ('coz I'd be based in London, haha!). I'd also be a top advertising person or magazine editor like Jennifer Garner in 13 going on 30. With that fantastic fashion sense, too, and money to buy clothes. And then I'd be secretly a superhero with magical powers (I really want a wand)... Or maybe that's too cheesy. Basta, I'd have the power to alleviate poverty, maybe even completely eliminate it.

Okay, I'm not making sense anymore. My brother is watching On the Line again.

I promise to write a more intellegible post next time when I get my brain back.

Weekend! Hooray!

At last! After a long effing week, the weekend has come!!! Goodbye hell week! And hello to another???? I hope not.

Yes, I promise to do my homework tomorrow.

Yesterday, my friends and I went to see Sukob. It's a Filipino horror film ( sa mga di taga-Pinas!). It's...well, okay. There are a lot of surprises but it wasn't that scary. Do I hear yelling of "The Ring Ripoff"? Yeah, kind of. What was with that crawling out the window thing? So Sadako.

After the movie, we looked for somewhere to eat. There's a whole lane of bars in GB3. People spilled out of them as the thumping music floated out their open doors. We were about to go downwhen there's this foreigner that's being chased by three security guards. And then the two companions of the first guy chased them, and then those other two guys got chased by three or four more security guards. Isn't it fun??? A live chase scene! Haha! It's actually more exciting than the movie. Eventually, the guards caught one of them (the one who looked like Justin Guarini -did I spell it right? sorry if it's misspelled!- of AI1) and was behind us on the escalator. My friends and I pressed ourselves to the side 'coz we thought they're gonna come pass us, but they just waited behind us. Ha! It was cool.

After that, we settled in Bubba Gump (after going through all the coffeeshops there; all of them were packed to the brim) and ordered desserts. We just talked and talked until about 1am. It was wonderful. I love just hanging out, you know, chilling and just catching up. Bonding. Preferably with food. Haha!

Sigh...

The other day, while I was in the car on my way home from school, I saw this guy walking on the street. I think he just got out of a jeep. He was carrying a duffel bag... colored PINK. My initial thought was like, "Hello, you're a guy and you're carrying a huge pink bag!" But then I remembered something about psychology and com100. In com100, about the celebrity culture. My uber cool prof said something about attaching too much meaning on a certain thing. In psych, it's about gender roles/equality. We impose the colors blue to baby boys and pink to baby girls. That's why when they grow up, they also have that notion to assign colors to the genders. I thought about that while we discussed it, and I thought, I'm not like that. I mean, I actually like seeing guys in pink. But then when I saw that guy with the duffel bag, the first thing I thought was...yeah, that. I realized that I'm one of those gender color specific people too. After denying it.

Yeah, go gender equality. When I give birth (okay, if) I'd ask my baby to be wrapped in white. Haha!

Banzai!!!

It's on right now. Anybody who watches Jack TV would have watched it at least once. It's about these Japanese guy/s betting on really mundane things. For example, they placed two guys on two different escalators. They're making them race; the one who gets to the top first wins. Another example is they get this Japanese girl to ask a celebrity only one question (it's usually on the red carpet) and see how long that celebrity would answer that single question. Awhile ago, the celebrity just stared and stared at the Japanese girl after he finished saying his answer and it lasted for 94 seconds. Before the gag, they flash these three choices: a. 0-30 seconds, b. 30-60 seconds, c. 60 and above seconds. So those people who chose the last choice wins!

Yeah, I know it's really stupid, but I am too, so I love it! Hahaha! Well, okay, not actually love it. I used to find it really annoying and was quite irritated by the show's pointlessness, but I sat through one episode and actually got entertained. So yeah, it made me laugh, and now I watch it whenever I catch it showing.

Laughter is good for the heart, after all.

On a more depressed note, my computer got busted again. And it's a serious bust. My brother said it's something about the motherboard...so it's serious business. ARGH!!!! I hate it! It was working fine the day before, and then it suddenly decided to die on me and never reboot again. I didn't do anything to it. It just suddenly shut down. As much as I love my computer, it pisses me off often because it chooses to go bye bye on me at times like these, when I need it most because there's a bunch of things to do.

My downloads!!!!! I've only started downloading again and now it gets busted.

Hmm... but I've got an idea...

Okay, Supernatural is on, and I've got a ton of homework.

Somewhere between Sensorimotor and Pre-operational

Hay. I just got home from school about an hour ago...and I'm undeniably beat. Haven't slept yet, so I'm now working on mere sugar rushes...(ice cream! ice cream!)

We just saw a fantastic play (which I'll try to process later. right now, all I can say is, Mr. de Guzman rocks!!!!!).

But...this is one of the times that I wonder about my existence (naks, okay, I'm in identity vs. identity confusion of Erikson). Well, I...most of the time, I feel like I'm the stupidest person in thte world. I think that I'm incapable of higher cognitive abilities. I feel that I'm stuck in this stage forever, that I'd forever talk about trivial stuff and be satisfied with that. I mean, yeah, I like talking about whatever. I'm really talkative. But I don't think I have substance, you know? I think that people perceive me as some kind of an airhead who just talks a lot.

First of all, I have no interest in politics whatsoever, except if there's some kind of scandal (oooh, I just realized, natatamaan ako ng play!!! argh!), like Erap's impeachment. That makes me tune in to the news (yes, I am entertaining myself to stupidity...). It's like I'm caught up in this huge meme and I don't want to escape.

I AM DOOMED TO BE AN IDIOT FOREVER.

For example, this weblog. It should be deleted. Seriously. Whoever reads a post will drop 10 IQ points. It's harmful.

But no, I love this thing.

Should I delete this for the betterment of the public or keep it and die an imbecile?

Sabi nga ni anonymous teacher, "We can't be heartless geniuses, nor can we be loving imbeciles."

I think I'm the latter. I don't know.

What constitutes a substantial person? My idea is that a substantial person should be smart, opinionated, has general knowledge of everything under the sun, at the same time is compassionate towards others and is an over-all nice guy/girl.

I am so NOT like that. The freaking strength test even said that I don't have wisdom. I don't even know why people actually can bear to talk to me for extended periods. Don't they get dumber because of me?

Sometimes I think that I'm smarter than I let on, but most of the time, comparing myself to other people, I feel so dumb. I don't like movies or books that require me to think. I believe that books and movies are there to entertain me, and thinking is restricted to schoolwork. Maybe that's why. I think my brain is rotting in its own juices. But should I force myself to do something I don't want? Like read a philosophical book, for example? Or like, claim that I loves movies like...Proof or A Beautiful Mind (which I have seen a bit of a million times but I just switch the channel)?

That's just pretend.

Most guys say that their ideal girl should be "smart". So I've found another piece that solves the puzzle of my pending singlehood. And yeah, the extra extra extra weight.

Now off to Chapter 18! Hoorah!

August Na

Wala lang, sinasabi ko lang na August na.

Haha! Nagbababoy kami ng kuya ko ngayon. Extended birthday celebration kung baga. Kasi 5 days lang ang agwat ng birthdays namin, kaya parang Pasko at New Year, nag-uumpisa sa birthday ko ang celebration at natatapos sa kanya (minsan naeextend pa...). Kaya ayan, I feel like I gained 10 lbs. over the past week. Ang sakit nga ng tiyan ko ngayon eh, di yata ako natunawan...

Good news. Sa wakas, natapos ko na isulat ang chapter 17 ko. Hay salamat! Isang linggo ko na 'yon pinagpupuyatan. Ngayon nakatunganga naman ako sa blank page ng chapter 18. Hay naku. Sana lumabas na ang lahat para matapos na. Sa tingin ko 2 o 3 chapters nalang ok na yan eh... Nabigay ko na kay Kutitay ang chapters 1-15, di pa daw niya inuumpisahan. Sana matino, hindi boring. Haha!

Hay, nararamdaman ko pa yung cake na kinain ko, lumulutang lutang pa sa tiyan ko...

Hala sige, kelangan ko na mag-aral para sa long test sa Fil bukas! Kakatapos ko lang magawa yung AD&PR requirements, print ad and storyboard... Well, di ko pa nadrawing, rough sketches lang and storyline... Naku sa Thurs na yan nakakatamad! Inaantok na ako!